M.I.L.D.U.E.

Big Bad "Cease & Desist"

2008-10-23T14:43:00.000-07:00

Well, an email from two luvulee ladies was in the inlawssuck email inbox indicating that M.I.L.D.E.W. and all the love and joy associated with said jumble of letters is under copywright. As such, I must remove all associations of said letters and the reference to what they mean from this blog.

That also means changing the web-address, which will eventually be http://mildue.blogspot.com.

So, if you still have links to this site, make the changes now. I'll also update with an automatic redirect to where we are now posting, http://inlawssuck2.wordpress.com later on as well.

And I have to say, based on the email and it's tone, I would take sides with their mothers-in-law.

New Digs

2007-04-01T19:14:00.000-07:00

In Laws Suck

No. 1 - First Installment...Huh, What?

2007-03-07T16:13:00.000-08:00

I received an email from a reader who mentioned that they couldn't find the first installment of the anonymously published MILDEW stories. In what can only be described a major brain-fart, in my attempt to publish No. 2, I accidently republished No. 1. So I went back in and instead of correcting No. 1's date, it looks like I deleted the whole post instead, since in my frustration with Blogger and how long it was taking to maneuver around the site, I got careless.

Crap.

I'm sorry. So sorry.

I could go out and recreate the post...OR....you can send me MORE stories and we'll publish some new stuff.

Yes, I'm a complete tool. No wonder my MIL doesn't like me.

No. 2 - 2nd Installation. Keep'em Coming!

2007-03-05T10:57:00.000-08:00

#11. The last time my MIL came to "visit" we had to kick her out. I am that evil. She was going to come for a week. During the course of the week she was rude and sneaky. We had a nice meal planned and she fixed a plate and headed to the den. We told her that we planned on eating at the table like a family. "That's nice but my show is on." she said over her shoulder as she walked away. We ate at the table alone.

It got to the point where she would stay home all day while we were at work and then leave when she knew we were coming home. She would go shopping and out to eat and not come home until she thought we were in bed. She was avoiding us because she likes her alone time and was just using us as a place to stay. (she had been temporarily staying with her vile mother and so was using us as an out essentially)

On the night before she was supposed to be leaving she told DH she wanted to stay one more day. This happened every night for four more nights. Only saying something to my husband and only in passing on the way to bed. If she had come to us and said, "I'm thinking about staying another week, is that ok?" We would have welcomed her with open arms...but the way she did it was sneaky. If she didn't want to go back to her mother's house she could have just told us and it would have been fine for her to stay with us.

Nice ended Thursday night. He prevented me from throwing her out but I told him I was doing it the next morning. He got up super early and had her out before I got up so he could do it nicely. I still don't regret it.

~~~~~~~~~~

#12. I don't claim to be a great cook. I can make a few things and I can open cans/boxes with the best of them. However, I am fairly intelligent and have sufficient common knowledge. Apparently my MIL thinks I can not cook at all. Even though her son has consistently put on weight since we have been married. But whatever. She invades my kitchen. Every. Time. She. Visits. Without fail. She tries to "teach" me how to make his favorites and corrects everything I do. If I make something she will tell me that isn't how they do it or she will tell me why my way is wrong.

We decided to make barbecue chicken one night when my MIL was visiting most recently. I usually bake the chicken and when it is done I add the barbecue sauce and cook another 5-10 minutes. As I pull the chicken out of the fridge, she comes in and takes charge. Tells me to put oil in the pan. So I go and put a bit of oil in the pan. She makes noises under her breath and snatches the oil out of my hand. She puts a good inch of oil in the bottom of the large skillet. She breads and Fries the chicken. I imagine she has changed her mind about barbecue chicken. I go along with it.

Then, she decides that since I am such a dunce she should ask me if I know about Salmonella. I reply that yes, I do know about it and how to clean up after chicken. My mother taught me. Apparently this is not the right answer so she starts to teach me about it and how to clean up after chicken. I walked out. That was the closest I have come to tearing into that woman.

Turns out, she breads and Fries her chicken and once it is cooked she puts it in the oven covered in barbecue sauce and bakes it. The breading becomes soggy and I found it quite gross. My husband said she never cooked it that way before (in fact, she didn't cook for him much at all when he was growing up). I've asked quite a few people and no one has ever heard of doing barbecue chicken this way. Of course, maybe they were just being nice.He had to talk to her about taking over the kitchen and how she talks to me. I used to let it go but I just couldn't take it anymore after this episode. Now she doesn't speak to me at all and I quite like it. I'm so over the "pleasing the MIL" phase. She hasn't come back to our house since. I secretly hope she never does. We get along much better when we don't see or hear each other.

~~~~~~~~~~

#13. Dear MIL,

I thought, since it was your 60th birthday, the least I could do was get you something. Since you are so picky, I figured a picture frame with your five children's names engraved on it would be nice, something you couldn't complain about. I thought about adding our kid's names, your only grandkids, but didn't want to leave our future as-yet-unborn grandchildren. I even left off my name and your other daughter-in-law's name, so you couldn't complain about the three siblings who weren't yet married. So imagine my surprise when we visited you, three months after your birthday, and the picture frame is still wrapped in bubble wrap sitting on the junk pile on the kitchen counter. You didn't want to hang it up because the whole family wasn't listed, you said. You couldn't hang it up because you didn't have any pictures of your five kids all together, you said. (Forget the entire hall of fame in your hallway in which you could have picked any picture.) Son #4 said he'd pick one for you off of your computer, which he proceeded to print ASAP. And now, almost 6 weeks later, on yet another visit, I see it still sits empty, though now on the hutch in the dining room, with the picture laying underneath it. How horribly busy you must be as to not be able to find the time to actually place the picture INSIDE the frame! Next year, maybe I'll just buy myself something nice for putting up with you.

Love, DIL

~~~~~~~~~~

#14. Dear MIL,

Thank you for saying in the presence of your granddaughter that you "just like boys better". Even though she is only two, hopefully, I pray, she cannot yet understand your words. She only sees you once every 3 or 4 months. Of course she is not going to run to you for a big hug, especially after sitting in the car for 7 hours and not getting a nap. You'd think a grandmother could understand that. Maybe if you even tried to get down to her level, or to let her warm up a bit. You don't need to turn your back on her in a huff and comment about how she must not like you. Oh, poor poor Grandma, better milk that sorrow for all that it's worth. Hmm, how about listening to her when she talks to you on the phone, instead of commenting on what someone else's grandSONS are up to these days. How about giving her some time to get used to you, then snuggling up on the couch with her to read a book, like your sainted husband does? I'm glad he loves her - and doesn't act like showing it will kill him. If you ever make her feel unloved or unwanted, I will make your life a living hell. See, now, to me, that would just be as simple as not letting you see her anymore. But maybe that's what you want, after all.

Love, DIL

~~~~~~~~~~

#15. Dear MIL,

I realize that our children, your ONLY grandchildren, will never hold a candle to your niece's children, because you tell us this every time we talk. Let me count the ways:

If only we home schooled our children - forget the fact that they are 2 years old and 4 months old and not yet even old enough for school.

If only I made them matching sailor suits to wear EVERY TIME we left the house so they would be easier to spot in a crowd. Creepy, no?

If only I could simply raise my eyebrows at them to get them to calm down. I don't want my children to be scared of me. When I changed one of the nephew's diapers one time, the poor kid's bottom was black and blue. Do you really need to spank an 11 month old that hard? Does it make it easier in the future then so that you only have to raise your eyebrows and they think about what will happen if they don't sit down and shut up?

If only I didn't get them immunized, because that will cause autism, it's only a matter of time. Yeah, when sainted niece's kids get the bubonic plague or chicken pox or polio, get them some essential oils - that always works.

If only I could see how bad modern medicine is, then we could cancel our health insurance and pay out of pocket to go to a chiropractor, because they are the only doctors that are "good". Hell, if they found a way to cure your one year old great-nephew's gas problems, they must be miracle workers, right?

If only we owned a suburban - or two - because the bigger the vehicle the safer the home-schooled-sailor-suit wearing children would be. Forget the fact that we live in the city, not in the boondocks, and driving a vehicle that size would be a headache and a half to park. Forget the fact that we have only two children, so we don't even need a vehicle that large. Forget that it wouldn't fit in our garage. Forget that we couldn't afford the gas for it.

BUT...if we had a motor home without seatbelts, that would be okay, because you can home school in a motor home. And everyone knows that while home schooling your sailor suit wearing children in a motor home, the laws of physics will keep you safe from car accidents and the like.

I could go on and on, but I digress. I need to go hug my little ones and make up for the love lost from you. Thank God for my own parents - amazing that they could love their own grandchildren in spite of everything listed above!

All my love, DIL

~~~~~~~~~~

#16. Every day, for the two weeks, while she was visiting us over the Christmas vacation, she would say to me, ÂYouÂre hurting. ArenÂt you?Â as if couldn'tuldnÂt wait for me to be in pain. I think she would revel in the day that she saw me struck down by pain and/or depression as much as she is.
Me:
Day 1: ÂNo. IÂm fine.Â
Day 2: ÂIÂm fine. Really.Â
Day 3: ÂIÂm not ÂhurtingÂ.Â
Day 4: ÂIÂm fine.Â
Day 5: ÂIÂm fine.Â
Day 6: ÂI am not ÂhurtingÂ.Â
Day 7: ÂNo.Â
Day 8: ÂNo.Â
Day 9: ÂNo.Â
Day 10: ÂNo.Â
Day 11: ÂNo. I. Am. Fine.Â
Day 12: I ignore her and roll my eyeballs at my husband.
Day 13: ÂNO. IÂm ffffffffffffffffffffffffine.Â
Day 14: ÂWhy do you always say that? Look at my face. This is when IÂm hurting.Â (Make ugly expression of pain.) ÂLook at me now. This is my normal face. My happy and relaxed face. I am NOT HURTING. YouÂll know when I hurting. Believe me!Â
Her: ÂOK. I wonÂt ask you that anymore.Â
Me: ÂGood.Â
Her: ÂOne day when youÂre really hurting youÂll regret that I donÂt ask you anymore. YouÂll have no one that cares about you.Â
Me: ÂWTF.Â
Epilogue: Upon further reflection, she may have been right. I was hurting. ItÂs just so painful to have her around that long!

~~~~~~~~~~

#17. Sunday, we went to Bob Evans for lunch with the inlaws. I was at one end of the table with the Man and the Monkey, and my MIL. Ace was down by his Dad and Queen.

Whenever we order ANYthing at Bob's, the rolls and biscuits are split up and shared.I order the Chicken and Noodles, and it came with two dinner rolls. I knew that I would be sharing with the Man and the Monkey. Biscuits were delivered to the other end of the table. I think they were my MIL's, but my FIL received them for some unknown reason. As soon as Queen saw the biscuits, she immediately asked him if she could have some. He said no. Yes. You read that right. He said no. But wait ... it gets MUCH better.

The Monkey sees my rolls, and I was about ready to start buttering it. Ace then asks me if I could pass the TWO dinner rolls that were in my basket.I thought "hey ... if the selfishness worked for my FIL, it will work for me, right?" Wrong. Dead wrong. No you may not have them. They are mine, I replied. Ace got a little salty. Ok. More than a little. A LOT salty.Fine. Never mind. I just thought that we could ask for more rolls. Never mind. All this time, the Monkey is dipping her hand in my salad, pulling out her selection of lettuce and croutons. So I was a little mad that it was assumed that I would be the one who would share my bread with everyone. Ok. More than a little mad ... a lot mad.

I looked at him and told him that I had people at my end of the table who wanted part of a roll, and that I also had one of them dipping their hand in my salad at that very moment. So my MIL decided to take things into her own hands and offer her solution to Dinner Roll Smackdown 2006, the very last one of the year. Her solution?Passing MY basket of rolls down the table to her son, she stated matter-of-factly "we will BUY more rolls. Just have some."Oh yes she did. Yes. She did.

#18. When I was pregnant with my daughter (my MIL's first grandchild), my MIL went overboard buying gifts and bringing them to our house. About a month before the baby was born, my MIL came and took back all of the gifts to keep at her house. She told me it was her leverage to get us to come visit her. Along the same lines, she buys gifts for birthdays, Christmas, etc. for our daughter, wraps them up, brings them to our house, then takes them back home with her after her grandchild opens them and gets all excited.

#19. My daughter has 2 main problems: eczema and constipation. They are both easily solved: special lotion and laundry detergent for the first, and cutting back on dairy for the second. My MIL is aware of how sever both problems can be if these rules are not followed. However, I picked my daughter up from her house one day and she was eating cheese, drinking milk, and wearing clothes that had been washed in Tide (because my MIL liked the smell of her detergent better).

#20. My MIL confided in me that my husband's father is not the man who raised him his whole life. My husband doesn't even know this and she expects me to carry this secret around.

No. 1 - First Edition: Stories From You, By You

2007-01-18T10:43:00.000-08:00

#1. Where do I even begin...how about the "thank you" note I received after I made my evil MIL a fab scrapbook (expensive too) for her 50th b-day:

Dear M&K,

I had asked that we forego gifts at this time since they can create expectations that might stress an already tenuous situation. However, I will trust that the gift and my thanks will be respected for the spirit with which they are intended. The scrapbook is very nice and, for me, the hope for better memories with you.
M, I do appreciate having had time to talk. Dad and I valued your candor, conversation and chance to find common ground. We continue to see your strength and focus on your goals and admire you. You have risen from whatever adversity you have faced and we are proud of you.
K, I hope to be able to sit and talk alone with you to learn and understand you. For M to be happy with you, there must be a good side. I welcome learning that.
Thanks again,

Mom

~~~~~~~~~~~~

#2. [At Christmas] there were some packages at our door. From the in-laws. For M & L. Specifically. Even the Harry & David box of pears didn't have my name on them. I guess that's ok, cuz I really don't care for pears any way.
The cards were for M. There were pics of the "family" that were taken at the SIL's HS graduation, professional, framed pics. Thank goodness there were none including the BIL's wife. There was even a pic of BO, the new nephew.
It just didn't come across as very nice and there was nothing for MJ either.
She came out and said, "I didn't think I had to do anything for Katrina [the author of this entry]. Why would I?"

~~~~~~~~~~

#3. [MIL] NEVER mentions or asks about MJ, as she seemed a bit disappointed we were still pg with one baby after losing Tiny. She just doesn't want me giving M any more kids and keeping him "bound" to me.

~~~~~~~~~~

#4. I had been dating my then-boyfriend (now husband) for several years when we got engaged and were trying to pick a date for our wedding. (A year in advance) His sister had been dating her boyfriend for several months and had announced after dating him for 10 weeks that they would be married within the year (he hadn't actually asked her yet, but she was THAT SURE). My soon-to-be mother-in-law told us we couldn't have the date or month that we wanted because it would be too close to his sister's wedding. That wasn't even official yet. And we were engaged first. And had been dating way longer.

~~~~~~~~~~

#5. Even though I had a miscarriage one month before, my in laws never said one thing about it to me when they visited this fall. Well, I did get a generic "how do you feel".

We went out to eat one night and my mother in law was all over my son, cuddling him and carrying him which was sweet but a little over the top. When my husband said something about it to her she said, "I have to cuddle him, he is my last Grandchild."

No matter the wound was still fresh from my miscarriage but she never even asked if we were going to try again, which we were going to at the time.

It seemed like such a mean thing to say to me.

~~~~~~~~~~

#6. My husband and I sent my in-laws (his parents) some pictures by email. Among these pictures was one where I am sitting on the floor with the dogs. Mother-in-law calls to tell my husband that they got the pictures. (He related the conversation to me later.)

This is their conversation...

Before she said anything about if she liked the pictures or not, she actually asked my husband if I was planning on growing my hair out any time soon.
Husband - What, mom?
MiL - Well, she is keeping her hair awfully short and you know women really shouldn't keep their hair short. It always looks better long.
Husband - While it's nice when Blue's hair is long, her hair also looks really cute when it's short. And besides, it's HER hair and she can style it how ever she wants.
MiL - But it really would be better if she grew it back out. Girls just don't look right with short hair.
Husband - She likes it mom. And I am not going to tell her how to do her hair. But did you even like the pictures? Aren't the dogs cute? I think that the picture with Blue and the dogs was really cute.

She didn't answer. She never even commented on whether or not she liked the pictures. She changed the subject and then quickly had something else come up so she had to let him go. As a side thought, my mom and I did have a good time discussing getting a bald cap and putting it on and taking some pictures to send to them. Or dying it a weird color or getting a strange colored wig. It made the weirdness of it all easier.

We recently went out to see my in-laws for Christmas and my hair was again a topic of conversation. This time, my mother-in-law usually waited until my husband wasn't around to comment. I got a lot more of "are you planning on growing your hair out again?" "Now why exactly do you like short hair again?" " Don't you feel sort of 'boyish' with you hair like that?" I generally just told her that yes, my hair is short. I like it this way. Not only that, it is easier to style and faster when I get ready in the mornings. It is my hair and I will do it the way I want to. I don't tell her how to do her hair.

Finally, after trying to be polite with my answers and not having anything else make her stop I responded to " Don't you feel sort of 'boyish' with you hair like that?" with "Don't you feel sort of 'old' with hair like that?" That got her good and she left me alone for a while!

~~~~~~~~~~

#7. The morning of my wedding, as my husband-to-be was getting dressed in his hotel room, his mother approached him, put her hands on each of his shoulders and cried, "How can you do this to me?" Her husband quickly ushered her away and told her to be quiet. My husband didn't share this story with me until we'd been married for seven years. By then, my mother-in-law had racked up enough bad points that another one wouldn't matter.

~~~~~~~~~~

#8. My husband and I bought our first house and had a Memorial Day party/BBQ to celebrate. As she was hugging and kissing my husband goodbye, he said, "Next time you come visit we'll have to see the sights together." She looked him dead in the face and said, "Oh, I don't think I will ever come to your house again." No idea why...and I don't care enough to find out.

~~~~~~~~~~

#9. My two sons were stillborn...we had to have funerals under Ohio law...she didn't come to either. She left her own son to stand there in theat cemetery...burying his children alone...twice.

~~~~~~~~~~

#10. Ever since my FIL and MIL divorced when my husband was young my MIL has lived alone. She loves to read and have the TV on. I can understand, I like to have noise in my house when I am home alone too. She has lived alone a long time and she is used to having things her way. Unfortunately, when she comes to visit us she still feels entitled to watch whatever she wants while she reads her book. A

lso, she refuses to sleep in the guest room. She insists upon sleeping in the den on the couch, in front of the TV. The TV must be on all night long. Also, this prevents us from staying up late or getting up early to watch something. If we steal the remote or ask to watch something else she gets all upset and complains the WHOLE time. "Why are you watching this crap?" "This is mindless TV?" "I can't believe you actually watch this?" However, she is a ravenous soap opera watcher.

I'm really not a TV addict but it is just miserable feeling like you can't do something in your own home for fear of getting a lecture. She doesn't ever want to go out and do things with us - so the whole time she is there everything revolves around the TV. I'm an adult and I don't need commentary on my TV preferences. I just hate the feeling that someone has come in and taken over my home.

Delurk and UNITE!

2007-01-08T13:25:00.000-08:00

We only catch brief glimpses of some of our readers' MILDEW problems, but we would love to hear more so we can provide the appropriate balance between snark and support to those of you unfortunate enough not to have a MIL that brings you sugar cookies every Saturday afternoon and who tells you that you are the best thing that's happened to her son since he was born.

So, in honor of National Delurking Week 2007, send your best MILDEW stories to ddknockedup at yahoo dot com and I will post them anonymously on your behalf. Send as many stories as you like. We will post them in installments of 10. We should easily get at least 10 stories, right?

C'mon ladies (and men)! It'll be cathartic. You know you want to! Don't be shy. There's no deadline, but the sooner you send me your story, the sooner you'll see it here!

Not All MILs Were Well-Behaved

2007-01-03T11:23:00.000-08:00

New Year's weekend, we lost electricity to our home. The first night we spent in a hotel unaware that the storm's affect would take days to resolve. The second night, my husband explained to his mother that again we were displaced. She suggested we stay at their home. A kind enough offer, which we have had to repeatedly turn down on other types of occassions due to my allergies and their cats.

He reminded her again about my allergies. The woman, true to herself, turned hostile and said, "Fine. Go home and freeze."

I believe the correct response, dear MIL, would have been to either offer to help defer the cost of another hotel stay (which your son would have graciously declined even though you shit money) or to wish us a simple good luck and then shut your big, bitter mouth.

And I swear, if she tells me to "shut your kid up" one more time, I'll jack her. I don't care if she's 83.

No More Sitting

2006-12-05T16:49:00.000-08:00

Dear MIL,

I sat quietly & took it when you said you expected me to give up on your son, like I had "given up" on my first career path.
I sat quietly as you tried to run my wedding into the ground.
I sat quietly as you called your own daughter "too chubby".
I sat quietly as you told me I'd never be a "good enough" wife for your son.
I sat quietly as you sneezed profusely, swearing that you were "allergic" to the smell of the coffee that I was brewing in my home, for your husband.
I sat quietly as you shook your boney finger in my face because I let my daughter eat some cotton candy. Would you rather I force-feed her raw asparagus until she throws up, like you did to your son?
I sat quietly as you rambled on & on about how great your daughter's fionce's family is, because you get along so well with his mother. And because his sisters are all so well-educated.

Allow me to now educate you.

I will sit quietly no more. You may not beg my husband to contact some random girl he barely remembers from high school, who happens to still be single & who lives a mere hour from us. And who has my name! Just what the hell are you trying to do?? Allow me to merely say, "Game.ON."

Kiss, kiss (my ass),
Berklie

There's Not Enough Stuffing In The World To Fill That Piehole

2006-11-19T06:12:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving seems to bring out the "best" in MILs across the globe. To get ourselves in the holiday mood, please share your most memorable experience from days gone by that may or may not include a turkey (whether bird or human form) and/or your MIL (whether bird or human form).

If you don't have contributing status to MILDEW, please feel free to share your story in the comments of this post.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. Make sure to have a bottle (or three) of great wine in the house for yourselves...and a box of the pink wine in the fridge to offer the MIL.

Second Opinion

2006-09-11T21:44:00.000-07:00

Dear MIL,

Why does it seem you only ask to talk to me when you need something? And now that you no longer live in this state I am your own personal errand girl apparently. Fine.

So when I told you a certain piece of information a few months ago, in an effort to help you in your time of need, you ignored me. Fine. Why now, all of a sudden, because you heard the SAME EXACT THING from some one else, you now believe what I said...just because someone else said so too? Why couldn't you believe me in the first place? Oh because I don't know anything, that's right. Fine.

I'll do what you ask, but I won't guarantee it will work. Bad ju-ju and all that.

Love,
Your DIL

Appreciation...Not

2006-09-11T12:16:00.000-07:00

My MIL is in her 80's. Recently she began using a cane full-time. She has artificial knees. She will not take showers, she will only take baths...upstairs in their house, as it is the only tub in the house (the main floor bath is shower only). For years now, my FIL has had several contractors in the house in order to make life for MIL a little more convenient. One day she caught one of the contractors in the house with FIL and she threw a fit right there and nearly gave herself a heart-attack kicking the poor man out of the house.

Last night, MIL and FIL got into a shouting match in a public restaurant. He mentioned that this winter he will have someone come in a put in another bathroom, just for her and she went ape-shit.

The most frustrating? They have the means to get it done, but she is so ungrateful and always thinking there's an ulterior motive that she refuses to let anyone do anything nice for her. It's really sad that someone could put their stubbornness and pride before their own safety and well-being.

Blatant favouritism..

2006-08-26T07:06:00.000-07:00

I was willing to accept that my MIL only ever has my niece on the screen of her mobile phone as my niece lives in tokyo and MIL gets to see my son every couple of weeks. I am not however, willing to forgive her for totally ignoring my son after not seeing him for FIVE weeks while we were home in the UK and being all over my niece who she had seen a few days beforehand. I know she wanted a granddaughter after bringing up two sons but she shouldn`t be so obvious about it!!

ETA that my son is WAY cuter than my niece.. who looks more like a boy than her does.. sorry, needed a bitchy vent!! LOL!

It's the waiting that'll get ya

2006-07-17T09:48:00.000-07:00

Even after receiving a detailed itinerary of our trip, the MIL got confused about what day we would be getting home and picking up the dog. We had to hear her bitch about how we TOLD her Saturday, not Sunday and how she and the dog waited and waited for us.

How concerned was she, you ask? Not enough to pick up a god-damn phone to see if we were dead in a ditch. No calls to the house or either cell phone.

Na na na na...hey hey hey...goodbye

2006-06-30T11:40:00.000-07:00

Dear MIL,
Listen to me and listen well. Your son? LOVES my father. LOVES him. Loves him like the father he never had, since he really didn't have a father. But we don't need to discuss whose fault THAT was, now do we?

Everyone loves my father because he is, well, lovable. You know who isn't? The whiny mother in law who stirs up drama by calling my mother (his ex-wife) to compain that he ignored you at my picnic last month. What could make them love you less? Upping the obnoxious factor by saying you would "tell him about it" next time you saw him.

What's a poor daughter in law to do, but throw an impromptu party where you are cordially invited to hang yourself in front of the only people in the past 78 years who have been willing to tolerate your shit.

Don't let the door hit your fat ass on the way out of my life,
D-I-L

P.S. Wanna hear something funny? When I ask my husband on any given weekend what he wants to do, he tells me to call my dad and see if they want to go out to dinner.

Oh, no you DIDN"T

2006-06-27T10:32:00.000-07:00

so the PILS are coming to visit the third week of July. the hubs called them last week to see how his father was doing after a minor outpatient procedure.

hubs--"so mom, the kids are really looking forward to your visit."

MIL--"i was talking to a friend at church last sunday about the trip. she asked me what activities there are in indianapolis. i said i had NO idea. what exactly WILL we be doing there? how will we fill the time? (5 days) i DON'T want to be bored."

first of all, there is no way in hell she just said that! this from the person who said her heart was bleeding because we were moving her grandchildren far away, and she missed them every day. her heart "bleeds" for them, and she "misses them every day", but she doesn't know how she'll spend her time while visiting???? here's a suggestion---f*cking play with your grandchildren!

second of all, take heart ladies. sometimes the man of house gets some gumption.

hubs--"um, i don't know, mom. maybe you will spend your time SEEING your grandchildren? i guess it's good you're not staying longer, since you don't know how you'll pass the time for 5 days."

Beach House Hell

2006-06-18T08:09:00.000-07:00

MIL Dearest:

Why is it when we have to go on vacation with you, you can find no happiness or bright spot the entire time? When we were at your daughter's beach house, a beautiful new home a block from the ocean with its own pool, you still bitched incessantly. "The flight is too long" "Too many stairs!" "It's too hot!" "I hate the ocean!" "I hate the beach" "I'm not going out to eat again!" "I don't need to go shopping!" "The kids are too loud!" "Your father [my FIL] snores all goddamn night!" and it goes on and on, ad nauseum.

You really make it hard to enjoy a vacation when everyone (everyone being your children and grandchildren), seems to think they are obligated to make the trip worthwhile to you in which we sacrifice our own enjoyment. However, you insist on going each time. Next time we will arrange to get a camper for you to stay in so you don't have to participate in any of the activities or hear the laughter from the kids.

Vacation with the mother-in-law? ...Oxymoron.

It's in the genes.

2006-06-16T06:07:00.000-07:00

It is not my fault no one in your family understands how to use email. Just be glad when I point out the glaring errors and save you from potential embarassment, mumble a thank you and then STFU. Do not call, write or email to ask if I have solved an entire family's worth of incompetence in between doing 3 loads of laundry and my volunteer project.

June Challenge

2006-06-09T17:41:00.000-07:00

Fellow daughters-in-law:

As the summer is upon us, feel free to share your favorite "vacation with mildew" story.

-dil

When Irish mildews are smiling

2006-06-06T12:42:00.000-07:00

You're the Alex Trebec of Ireland aren't ya? Is it really necessary to follow up a conversation by pointing out who was or wasn't Irish? It's a bit much, but more flattering than the way you lump other nationalities; you know, like "those italians."

So five minutes ago

2006-05-30T16:43:00.000-07:00

You honestly have nothing to do but complain to me that your 43 year old niece has long hair and is too old for that style. Someone call the fashion police. This from the woman who wore a sweater and polyester pants to my wedding reception.

alias

2006-05-25T08:14:00.000-07:00

Dear MIL,

Why would you name your son something you never planned to call him? If it was your intent to call him by his middle name since the day he was born, why not save everyone the aggrevation and opt for the one you plan to use EVERY SINGLE DAY?

Thanks to you, we have to go by "First Initial-dot-middle name" on all important documents. As you may have guessed, most forms do not accommodate this quirk. So he chose to follow your stupid example from childhood, using his middle name as his first and the first initial as if it were his middle. All well and good for his boy scout badge, not so much on our car loan and credit applications.

As the bill payer and overall organized party of our household, I am the person who has to deal with these agencies. Like the phone company who won't speak to me because I gave the incorrect sequencing of his name last week. Or the bank teller who didn't want to cash a check on our account because they don't have his full name on file.

Only someone with your skill could mess up something so simple.

DIL

A mother's greed knows no season

2006-05-24T14:45:00.000-07:00

Dear MIL,

While I want to extend a hearty thank you for agreeing to dogsit for one night so that we may attend an out of town wedding, I can't. Not when you use that as an opportunity to guilt trip your son into paying your car repair bill.

Ungrateful as ever,
DIL

P.S. After the car is repaired you need to start getting your own gas, and driving your damn self places.

Why lie

2006-05-24T14:02:00.000-07:00

Dear MIL,
Why lie? You have told us for weeks that you were mailing boxes for the girls with some summer clothes in it and finally returning the stuff that we left there A YEAR AGO. So why did you call 10 days ago and tell your son that they were shipped when we learned yesterday that you hid them at your SIL's? What was the point in lying? Had we known this we would have gone out and bought the stuff that we left there for Aiden so that we could have it for Fletcher. But since you told us that you had sent it, we didn't bother. And now it looks like your second grandchild will be making an early entrance into the world and we have no car seat for him. Again I ask, why lie?

Sea of Bad Taste

2006-05-16T15:02:00.000-07:00

Dearest MIL,

When someone sends you a birthday gift, the proper thing to do is say "thank you". I know that you suffer from an extreme lack of manners, but one can at least say "thank you" when one is on the phone with the gift-giver. yes, that's right--it went like this:

hubby (son)--"Hi, Mom. Happy Birthday! Did you receive the pears and apples? (as in, 2 dozen Royal Riviera pears and specialty apples from Harry and David)"

MIL--"Yes, I got them." (big pause)

hubby--"Well, you said that you and Dad really wanted to focus on eating healthier, so we thought you'd really enjoy them. We've had them, and it's really like eating dessert."

MIL--"I made a Waldorf salad with them. They taste about the same as the ones from Publix."

hubby (concerned)--"They are really supposed to be premium fruit. That wasn't our experience. I'll call and have them send another batch."

Notice in that whole conversation was NOT ONE "THANK YOU". So the hubby calls Harry and David, only to be told the whole truth. His mother called H & D and said the box was slightly smashed on one end, damaging one pear. They sent another 2 dozen pears and apples, along with truffles, cookies, and an assortment of other goodies. She still wasn't happy. So H & D sent the biggest tower of goodies they make, along with more fruit. The customer service rep told the hubby that "they really didn't know what else they could do to please this customer...any suggestions?"

My personal opinion is that she is greedy and selfish, and complained when there was really no problem in order to get more goods. Then, on top of that, she tells us that it tastes the same as fruit from the grocery store, and doesn't even utter a simple "thank you". Now, if you secretly consumed 6 DOZEN pears and apples, plus assorted goodies, could it really be bad fruit?

So in the words of my hubby, let me sum it up for you:

"She'll do frickin' anything to get what she wants. Now instead of being healthy, she's drowned the fruit in mayo and eaten massive amount of goodies. NICE. She'll be lucky to get anything next year."

Especially since I had to pick it out for her, dear hubby. If it were up to you, she would have gotten nothing ths year. I should have let sleeping dogs lie.

Mother's Day Challenge Post

2006-05-13T18:38:00.000-07:00

SIL told hubby to buy gift card for MIL. He told her he will buy one at $50. She feels that $75 would be better. Our reason for wanting to stick with the $50? All gifts to us from MIL are from Amazing Savings (cheap, close out store) or are re-gifted from students in her class! So why should we spend our money on her? Argh.

A Little Appreciation Is All I Ask

2006-05-11T20:48:00.000-07:00

Dear MIL,

I think I need to inform you about the wonders of technology. There is this amazing invention called the computer that can inform you, up to the minute, when something, like a bouquet of flowers, has been delivered to someone's house. It is a helpful way to make sure a gift you painstakingly picked out, spent a lot of money on and sent to someone's house gets delivered safely and on time. Thus, I knew that the bouquet I ordered for you (from your son and myself) for Mother's Day arrived at your house at noon today. Due to the fear of inclement weather ruining the delicate blossoms, I called you after 3 PM, 3 hours after delivery, to make sure you received the flowers. Nothing was said upon realizing it was me on the phone and imagine my surprise at being forced to listen to a ten minute interlude describing the bouquet your other son and daughter-in-law sent you, gushing about how thoughtful it was of them to think of you and then finish it up with the afterthought, "Oh and the one you guys sent was nice too."

Next year, prepare for disappointment.

Fondly,
Your DIL

Where's the BEEF?

2006-05-07T06:26:00.000-07:00

MIL,
Your enthusiasm for the birthday bash was evident by your 45-minute early appearance. Newsflash - showing up early for a surprise party just because YOU wanted it to start earlier, does not in fact make it begin any earlier. It does cause me to lose it much, much earlier.

Can I ask you something? 8 devilled eggs (8 halves, 4 whole eggs) for a party of 25? Were you thinking we could hold a lottery to determine who would receive one? Many will enter, only 8 will win.

Did you notice no one responded to your ongoing monologue about being an old lady because your baby turned 40? NOT. YOUR. DAY.

You were aware I was having the party catered by your son's favorite Mexican restaurant. Because I am civil and a proper hostess, I made sure to have burgers and dogs available for your consumption. One thing I will NOT do, is steal the joy that he would have by lighting up the brand new weber grill for the very first time. JUST. WON'T. DO IT. If that means you had to wait an extra 10 minutes for your hamburger, that's a price I'm willing to pay, because it really isn't your day, is it? So just a little thank you for asking him 3 times where your hamburger is. I'm so glad the food was cooled off before he got to sample it. Maybe you could have eaten one of your nasty eggs to tide you over.

Sincerely,
the DIL

Viva La Potato Salad

2006-05-04T06:00:00.000-07:00

Since when was potato salad considered part of a mexican themed meal? I meant it when I said there was no need for you to bring anything. Sigh, 31 hours and counting.

Don't Bother Asking

2006-04-30T15:50:00.000-07:00

Dear MIL,

I was very flattered you asked about what was going on in my life and initially appeared interested in what I had to say. However, if you were not serious about listening to me and only planned on paying attention for two minutes, don't bother asking me to detail my life's events. In case you are wondering, it is not polite to jump up in the middle of someone's sentence to run over and welcome your "favorite" son (not my husband) into the room and then turn to me and say "Oh, you were done, right?"

Fondly,
Your DIL

Your Lack of Concern Overwhelms Me

2006-04-27T14:29:00.000-07:00

MIL Dearest:

Sorry we haven't bothered telling you the outcome of IVF #2, which failed (thanks, readers of MILDEW, for the kind wishes); but I'm guessing that your concern is immeasurable - as in below the charts - since you have asked neither my husband nor myself how things went. It's such a damn pity that we live less than a mile from you and that phones are such an inconvenience. And heaven forbid you ask me the when we went out for dinner and I sat right next to you the other night. Oh, and another thing, thank you so much for shoving the pictures of your new great-granddaughter under my nose. It was just the right thing to do to keep my appetite to a minimum.

Mother's Day Challenge

2006-04-26T05:50:00.000-07:00

Do you do the shopping for your mil on mother's day or make the hubby do it?

Share your favorite MILDEW moment from a previous mother's day, or tell us what you plan to get your mil for mother's day this year.

On behalf of grodee

2006-04-26T04:07:00.000-07:00

Grodee had some trouble posting this yesterday. Go read about it on her other site.

EASTER REHEATS

2006-04-21T14:05:00.000-07:00

Dearest MIL,

Thanks so much for caring enough to move your Easter Meal up to 2pm, and NOT TELLING US! We ended up missing my grandma's homecooked meal at 5pm, because we were scheduled for your house at 5pm. I 'm so glad I gave up my grandma's fresh cooked ham, mashed potatoes with butter, and all the excellent side dishes and tasty desserts for some nuked ziti. Oh, we also warmed up some augraten potatoes (box mix) , corn and a small hunk of overcooked ham.

thanks bunches

R.S.V.P'od

2006-04-21T13:20:00.000-07:00

Mil,
It's true that your other son called and harassed me today and is hereby disinvited from my husband's birthday party. I can't believe you thought telling me you won't have a ride now would sway my decision. Thinking of you sitting home alone - oh, it's like having my cake and yours, too!

This party needs to come with trailers I think:
***here's a look at next week's episode of the birthday party from hell***

Aaargh..

2006-04-20T23:53:00.000-07:00

Dear MIL,

Calling me to tell me you are going to be later than the time we arranged for me to pick you up is fine. Calling the HOME phone and leaving a message when I had told you I would be out teaching and would go straight to pick you up is NOT helpful, especially not as my students had bought a cake as it is my son`s first birthday today and I had to rush proceedings because I didn`t want to leave you waiting. You have my mobile phone number for a reason. USE IT...

Not Your Party, Cry If You Want To

2006-04-20T12:50:00.000-07:00

Dear MIL,
Your son is having a birthday ending in a zero or a five. I accept it is my marital responsibility to plan it. Since I initiated the conversation with you, against my better judgement, you have been nothing but a complete ass. Let us count the ways:

1. Telling my mother about it. Yes, the one you keep emailing even though I ask you not to. She wasn't on the guest list. Thanks for making things awkward.

2. Trying to "troubleshoot" the email invite I sent to members of your family. Yes the link works. Yes your brother figured it out. No, you should not ever get involved with technical matters.

3. I am working the menu and have a theme in mind. I don't care if you think Mexican food is "weird." Please, let's not have any of your tasty pre-packaged macaroni salad that we sampled for easter, or half dozen cupcakes that you brought for a party of 50 guests. Why not stick to devilled eggs? You know - 'cause their so EASY to make.

The irony is killing me

2006-04-20T10:54:00.000-07:00

dearest MIL,

i find it ironic that "daddy and i just can't stand to sit on a plane for 2 1/2 hours to come visit. it's just hard on us" , but apparently, daddy and i (meaning FIL and MIL) can sit in a car and drive 11 hours to alabama for a 50th high school reunion. and daddy and i can also sit in a car and drive 12 hours to north carolina to see the rhododendrons (sp?) bloom. but daddy and i CANNOT sit 2 1/2 hours on a plane to see our grandchildren. oh, we couldn't possibly. because sitting on a plane is MUCH MUCH harder than taking a long driving trip.

glad to see you have your priorities. and i think i will be saying that in our next conversation.

(oh, and YES, i did say they're from alabama. it explains a lot, actually. like the whole racist thing. but that's another post.)

How Not To Show Your Support

2006-04-17T18:22:00.000-07:00

MIL Dearest:

I never knew that our family-building attempts were such a burden to you so when you responded with "Again???!!!" in disgust after we told you we were going to try IVF #2, it made me wonder that either a) our one child is one too many especially considering the time (or lack thereof) that you spend with him; or b) you have no concept of what the difference is between "two" and "two-hundred". Thank you so much for your loving support in what we consider a very difficult time.

Did You Forget?

2006-04-16T20:43:00.000-07:00

Dear M.I.L.,

When I spoke to you three weeks ago regarding my new schedule and mentioned I would no longer be able to attend your Sunday dinners, you graciously suggested we move the dinners to Saturday so the whole family could attend. So you had no reason to act surprised today when my husband showed up alone for your Easter dinner. I was at work, like I told you. And no, I can not just "pop over for a bite." Everything would be put away and everyone else would be gone by the time I could get there on my break. If you so desperately want to see me, don't schedule a family get-together on a day you know I can not make it and then act all injured like I stood you up on purpose.

Fondly, Your D.I.L.

Thanks in advance

2006-04-13T13:25:00.000-07:00

Dear MIL,
Join me in a fun trip down memory lane.

Thanksgiving 2005.
You made a big deal about us visiting.
We offered to cook, you declined.
You served turkey lunchmeat on partially thawed white bread.
Four adults shared two boiled potatoes.

My grandmother loves to cook. Loves to entertain. Loves to make enough food to feed an army. Please do not drag out your Easter "lunch" celebration to the point that I again miss her steamy hot mashed potatoes in exchange for a brown bag lunch. I thank you in advance for your co-operation.

Sincerely,
DIL

No nipples please

2006-04-11T11:28:00.000-07:00

dear MIL,

please DO NOT send my daughter any more size 3 hoochie clothes. when the top of the dress is a triangle cut that exposes 3-yr-old nipple, that is NOT cute. neither is the fake punk rock chain that connects said dress at the hip. if i wanted my daughter to dress like a whore, i would go shopping with you. since i want her to look like the sweet child she is, i will send back the hooker dress.

and just a side note....does it seem doubly inappropriate to give hooker clothes for EASTER? i think it's safe to say that Jesus is not impressed, MIL.

luv and kisses,

grody jo-dee

You want him to WHAT?

2006-04-07T15:42:00.000-07:00

Dearest MIL,

Did you really ask my husband (who has already given up many Mondays off to slave at your house) to wake up early on a Saturday morning (our 1 day to sleep in) and drive to your house, get your dogs, and wait in line with them for shots at PETCO?!

I'm sorry you work Saturdays and can't be there before the shots end at noon. But really - this is above and beyond!
signed
Totally annoyed!

PS... he'll be away all weekend for national guard drill so we could actually say NO!!!!!

When are you gonna learn?

2006-04-04T09:43:00.000-07:00

so the hubby is talking to the evil MIL on the phone the other day, and she says, "i was just callinng to see if you were still alive. we haven't heard from you." which by the way, he did call last week. you weren't home and didn't return the call.

the hubby then pointed out that calling is a two-way street. when we call you, and you don't return our call, then the ball is in your court. also, if you don't choose to call us, then how is our fault that you haven't talked to us?

p.s. if you send my daughter that awful betty crocker toy vacuum you keep mentioning (hello! i didn't even know that betty crocker made toys), then i will goodwill it. you 've been told repeatedly that we don't like and have no room for large plastic toys. you CAN give us toys we hate, but we CAN give it to charity.

Psst...little girl you want some candy?

2006-04-04T05:33:00.000-07:00

I started typing out a comment to DD about her mil pushing the sweets and it took on a life of its own.

My mil never made my husband eat anything he didn't like. As a result he doesn't eat 90% of most fruits and veggies. After a few years of begging him to at least TRY salad we found out that he actually likes it. Part of the problem was her cheapness. She only ever bought iceberg lettuce and the cheapest dressing she could find. My husband knew nothing of Romaine's leafy goodness much less the delight of a balsalmic or ceasar dressing. And croutons? That's alien to a woman of her culinary prowess.

The mil is our regular dog-sitter; and she gladly watches the dog with little grief. She loves to feed the dog from the table even after asked not to. Then there is the degree of delight I see in her face every time we pick up the dog and she "casually on purpose" mentions some kind of forbidden food she lavished on the dog. It's like she is temptng me to correct her after using her kennel service for free. Result? The dog pukes every time we pick her up from that woman.

And now it begins with my daugter. The sly comments about when can my daughter have "the good stuff." Ummmm, she's breast-fed so she is getting the good stuff right now. She somehow needs to buy love from those around her and food is her currency.

on the FIL

2006-04-02T19:51:00.000-07:00

Just have to post a small rant on the FIL. A few weeks ago he and the MIL babysat for the daughter. When we arrived back home he went on and on about why we have deprived our daughter of a blanket. Even though I tried to explain that she is used to it because she has never slept with a blanket, he insisted on asking me, my husband, and my MIL how we would feel if he took our blankets away!

As for the MIL, she insisted we needed to have a fruit platter at our daughter's first birthday party. I still don't know why it was such a big deal to her, but she insisted it was necessary! Let's just say that she paid for said fruit platter!

March Madness - a little late

2006-04-02T19:50:00.000-07:00

My MIL's most annoying habit is talking, as I believe I've mentioned before. When my daughter was smaller, I'd leave her presence to breastfeed. More recently, I thought it would be ok to do so in her presence. Well, MIL cannot shut up, and this distracts my daughter, who will repeatedly pause her eating to look at my MIL! So my MIL repeatedly says, "Oh, I'll stop talking, I'm distracting her." Pause a few seconds, she talks again, then says again, "Oh, I'll stop talking." Repeat.

Sweet Tooth

2006-04-02T17:28:00.000-07:00

MIL Dearest:

I realize that in your family candy, snacks, treats, bite-size Whatevers are staples, which is evident by your entire family's battles with weight, including the son I married. HOWEVER, I do not need you to suck my son into that life by bringing him candy. I'm getting tired of him turning into Pavlov's dog everytime he sees you; and frankly, he will remember you more for paying attention to him instead of the reason he has to see the dentist every three months.

"WE ARE NOT TECH SUPPORT"

2006-03-30T18:46:00.000-08:00

Dearest MIL,

I haven't seen much of the husband the past 2 nights. One night he was with you til 11pm working on your kitchen project from hell and last night a hockey game. So when we decide to enjoy a casual dinner out and then some cuddle time on the couch we don't need another TECH SUPPORT phonecall. When your computer isn't working try verizon, when your cell isn't working call Cingular from your house phone, and when the damn cable is out call RCN.
Otherwise, I may start billing you an hourly rate for my husband's time!

Peeved

Please leave a message ...

2006-03-29T19:11:00.000-08:00

Dear MIL,

We're sorry you missed out on the super cheesy pizza & delicous ice cream cake for the hubby's birthday the other day. Did I mention there was a layer of fudge inside the cake where the chocolate crunchies are. What a delightful surprise! I imagine sitting alone on the couch watching reruns couldn't have been as much fun.

The bday boy did leave a message - a voicemail on your cell phone. You see the problem is... this little game where you and your sons only use cell phones to contact each other... and apparently you lost the game this time. We've been trying to break you of this habit. Did you ever notice that at night we let our cellphones RING off the hook, but if you dial back on the house phone we answer. That's because we are either downstairs working out ( I will not run upstairs for the cellphone) or on the couch or in bed with a phone within inches of us. Our cellphones are either in the car, the kitchen or maybe in a purse and just not handy.

One other healthy reminder! Maybe if you actually checked your messages on your home answering machine we would've tried calling you at home. Remember, the loud screeching beep you hear every 30 seconds and blinking red light = you have a message. Most people actually check for messages when they get home from being out for hours. The beep is an added feature to get your attention - I bet it even costs an extra $2, and if you don't use it - well that's just money down the drain!

Love Ya
Me

Trying to be helpful without actually doing a thing

2006-03-26T15:09:00.000-08:00

My mil has this interesting way of asking if we need anything for our daughter. It goes like this:

"ummm, d-i-l, does the munchkin need clothes? I was going to get her a shirt, but I didn't know."

Well, if it is something she truly NEEDS then we buy it for her, she never goes without. And if you want to get it for her because it is cute or you think it is useful, then buy it - like my parents do.

APRONSTRINGS (belated entry)

2006-03-22T19:12:00.000-08:00

Dearest MIL,

I do NOT appreciate 6am phonecalls on weekend mornings. They scare the piss out of me, and I literally jump in the air. I especially dispise them on weekends that my daughter is with my ex and I could truly sleep in!!

I can't help it your dogs pee at 4am and the stupidest thoughts run through your head once you're up. Obviously you have no impulse control, as you need to share those thoughts immediately with your precious firstborn son. Who may I add sleeps like the f-ing dead and never knows you called. I also don't tell him it rang so it may be hours till he sees your voicemail ( oops so sorry!)

Sure I could turn off the ringer on the bedroom phone, but it wouldn't solve my problem, since you always call the hubby's cellphone. And the best part is that his cellphone plays loud obnoxious music forever till it cuts to voicemail. I refuse to get up and answer it so if it's ever an emergency good f-ing luck getting through. That makes you .... the MIL that called 'Wolf" one too many times.

Thanks so much for sharing dear MIL ...just try not to reach out and touch someone when they're SLEEPING!

your d-i-l

March Mildew Madness

2006-03-20T23:58:00.000-08:00

Let's celebrate spring with a contributor challenge. Post the most insane mil habit. Will there be voting, winners and prizes? Probably not.

The Grodster's entry for March MILDEW Madness

2006-03-20T21:49:00.000-08:00

well, i'm not sure what defines the boundaries of bad habits, but you can take your pick.

1) she repeatedly tells my husband about her gynecology problems. in much excruciating detail. when he protests, she says, "well, you ARE married. i thought just you'd want to know i'm okay." and he says, "EXACTLY. you can tell me you're fine without details." the fact that she seems to like relaying the info is a little too weird for me. my husband actually had to resort to hanging up on her to get her to stop talking about what the dr. had to do "down there".

2) she has this really big mole on her chin that has a long hair that grows out of it. she absentmindedly plays with the hair as you talk to her. mind you, the hair is like one inch long. that shit needs to be lasered. but the upside is, it does make her look like the witch she is.

Not Good Enough's Entry

2006-03-20T21:48:00.000-08:00

I have two, and they are both good, but I'll put my favorite one first and then if there is time I'll post the second.

My MIL is funny about gift-giving. She does not like to exchange gifts at the same time because she needs to assess the gift you gave her and then figure out how much you spent on her so she can spend EXACTLY the same amount, not a penny more. Thus at Christmas we give her her gifts a week before Christmas and then she goes out to buy ours and receive ours a couple days after Christmas Day. And if she thinks you spent too much on her gift she will most certainly not buy your equivalent but deliberately get you something so cheap just to make the point that it is not about what you get but that you should be thankful someone got you something at all. For example, my husband received a water bottle one year. A water bottle. We gave her a cashmere sweater.

Bossy's entry..Enjoy ladies..

2006-03-20T21:19:00.000-08:00

My MIL has severe OCD. Before we moved out of state (thank the Lord) she would call us to ask us if we locked our doors, if our toaster was unplugged, if the stove was shut off...ect..ect..

Then she would call us to go to her home and make sure her doors were locked..( she has two homes.)

We would have to go over and check her stove, heat, and all the appliances..Everyday..To make sure they were not on..Even though she was not at the house for weeks...

I was so tired of doing this, I unplugged her fridge...(she said make sure everything was unplugged..teehee)...She came home to a rancid smelling aroma..A that was pure joy ladies..Pure joy;)

Bee Real

March MILDEW Madness Entry

2006-03-20T21:12:00.000-08:00

MIL Dearest:

Remember the “Grandma’s Journal” that we gave to you Christmas 2004 to fill out and complete during all your spare time watching Wheel of Fortune, PGA Tour, bowling, napping, etc., and then give to your grandson? We gave that to you since you have everything you possibly already need and want and thought that being able to pass on your thoughts and “wisdom” to your then two year old grandson since he will probably never remember you – as you are now into your 80’s – something you might find inspirational.

However, when Christmas 2005 came and I saw that the journal was not only sitting in the unused parlor in the exact same spot you left it a year earlier, still in the box, BUT you still had not ONE GODDAMN WORD written in it. Well, just in case you ever notice (bwahahahahahaha!), I took it back and gave it to my mother. She’s nearly completed it, too, ...even though she still works outside the home.

Daughter In Law's Entry

2006-03-20T17:59:00.000-08:00

This is my March Mildew Madness challenge submission:

My MIL doesn't pump her own gas. There is a full service station within a mile of her house, but it isn't the closest or cheapest, so she won't go there. That means she has to send one of her sons to fill her tank. This is a double bonus for her, because my husband usually pays. What grown man is going to accept $20 from the woman who pushed him out her hoo-ha?

We live about 20 miles from her, so it isn't exactly convenient.

Yome`s entry..

2006-03-20T15:09:00.000-08:00

I couldn`t think of anything first of all but my MIL is here for the night and this morning I caught her climbing into bed with my son (yet again) while I was checking my e-mail. We co-sleep so this is OUR bed we are talking about. Does anyone else think it is totally inappropriate or is it just me!?!? She does it every single time that she comes and stays and he is asleep later than we are.

She also uses the same cloth that she wipes the table with to wipe his hands after we eat. Minging..

Oh yes she did.

2006-03-18T11:20:00.000-08:00

Did you honestly ask other moms at my daughter's birthday party why their kids weren't walking yet?

There is Real Time and then there is MIL Time

2006-03-17T09:45:00.000-08:00

Dear MIL,

When you RSVP to a party held in my home at a time convenient for my husband's work schedule, do not complain about eating too early. You knew what time dinner was going to be served, you knew he had to leave for work by 5. So don't make a big deal about how you JUST ATE lunch and now you'll have to go home and make yourself something later because you are too full to eat again, but in four hours you'll be starving so I should just box up all my leftovers and send them home with you so you don't have to cook. Because I just live to serve.

No manners required

2006-03-16T12:30:00.000-08:00

so when your EMIL (evil-mother-in-law) sends an email that says,

"jo-dee,

where are my pictures?

mom"

do you think i'm really going to send her any? first of all, i do not and will NEVER call her mom. secondly, i expect some manners, dammit. if you want pictures of your grandchildren, i better see some please and thank you. otherwise, keep on waiting.

Run that by us ONE more time?!?!?!?

2006-03-15T18:35:00.000-08:00

MIL,

Why, dear lord, would you adopt a 2 and 4 year old, when you have a 19 year old college student, a 13 year old special needs child who needs 24 hour a day care, and a 10 year old? Why would you then proceed to not tell your oldest son about it until all is said, done, and final? And while we are on this particular train, why would you expect him to be happy? You were just diagnosed with epilepsy that you think you gave him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's 9pm - do you know where your Husband is?

2006-03-14T17:55:00.000-08:00

So about 5 hours ago he went to help the MIL find a dishwasher for the previously mentioned kitchen remodel. It's now 9pm... 3 different cities, and 6 stores later they are still cruising around. Can the prices and styles really be THAT different between Home Depot and Lowes? Sears & Circuit City? I hope she bought him dinner cus LORD knows I ain't cooking now!

Definitely a night to pretend I'm sleeping when he gets home!!

No thank you on the polyester tip

2006-03-14T09:19:00.000-08:00

dear MIL,

when you call me and tell me that you bought thomas the train sheets for my daughter, and that you guess i'm just stuck with them because they're non-returnable, THINK AGAIN.

because i will leave a message for you.

1) they're blue and red! (i only use white sheets and she knows this)
2) they're 70% POLYESTER! again, 70% POLYESTER!
3) i have said repeatedly that my kids are not advertisement for toys, so no character-endorsed tees, sheets, whatever.
3) you can give them to the neighbor boy down the street as i'm sure he will enjoy them.

why on earth would you give sheets like that to someone who has a degree in textiles?? and to tell me with a laugh that i'm stuck with them because you can't take them back...well, sorry you wasted your money. don't think that guilt crap works on me.

gimme gimme

2006-03-14T08:47:00.000-08:00

Dear MIL,
There is a reason we pay for your internet access. It's because we don't WANT to make a duplicate copy of every single photo of our daughter or a dvd of each video clip. We take a lot of pictures. It's expensive. We don't print all of them out ourselves. In addition, we set up a domain name and web hosting so that we could share the pictures and videos with you. It is a lot of extra work. We would appreciate a little less greed and compaining.

- The dil

Perfect

2006-03-13T13:47:00.000-08:00

MIL Dearest:

How naïve would it be of me to believe that of your three daughter-in-laws, you have never referred to me as either “Weird,” “A Bitch,” or “Stupid,” since that’s the only way you describe the other two sister-in-laws behind their backs? Could I really be that perfect?

How To Treat Your Children, Lesson 1

2006-03-13T07:48:00.000-08:00

When talking with all three of your sons and their wives, do not refer to the youngest as your baby and the oldest as your favorite and then stop talking. This causes an embarrassed silence and anxious looks directed at my husband because you said nothing about your middle son who is standing right in front of you. And then when you think you should probably say something to cover your ass, don't say, "Oh and (My Husband) is great too!"
The damage is already done.

Grandmom's big day

2006-03-12T17:03:00.000-08:00

Dear MIL,
Clearly you misunderstood my role at my daughter's birthday party today. Instead of viewing me as the hostess to 50 guests, you showed your true colors once again by treating me as your personal attendant. I must apologize for forgetting that when YOUR relatives are late, it is my responsibility to be on the lookout for them and to direct them to the seats you've saved. By the way, thank you for saving those seats for people who couldn't bother to RSVP. Really. My friends and family, who RSVP'd promptly didn't want to sit down. And it wasn't at all awkward as the wait-staff had to scramble for extra place-settings at the last minute. So glad you could share in the big day with all your drama!

smooches!
dil

p.s. did you really just hit me up for a copy of the video we showed?

When you care enough to send the very least

2006-03-11T08:56:00.000-08:00

Ah, nothing says "sincere sympathy on the death of your grandmother" like an e-greeting.

Fashion Victim

2006-03-10T20:05:00.000-08:00

MIL Dearest:

Yes, I know that is one of the cardigan sets we got you for Christmas, as not only did I buy it, and obviously GIVE it to you, but you told me the last time you wore it as well. You don't hear me pointing out everything you have bought for me...

...uh, right. Never mind.

This is what I deal with

2006-03-10T13:34:00.000-08:00

Dear MIL,
just because you made your kids wear life jackets in the car when you were driving on the lakeshore, DOES NOT mean I have to make my kids wear them.

I mean I do have confidence in my driving ability enough to know I more than likely wont plummet into the lake while driving on the road.

Nor will I put leashes on the children. Mmmkay?

I wont drown them, or lose them for Christ sake...

IT'S NOT OFFENSIVE. REALLY. GO AHEAD.

2006-03-09T08:50:00.000-08:00

so what do you do when your MIL feels free to use the term "chink"?

MIL: "daddy used to work with this man who was really smart but kind of weird. but he was a chink."

me: "please don't use that word in front of my daughter." (g. was on the phone, waiting to talk to grandma)

MIL: "but i only meant that in a good way, of course. (BIG pause) they opened a new chinese buffet down the street. maybe you'll want to try it when you all visit."

how many times do i have to say this? it's CHINESE, not chink. and real chinese people don't eat "chinese" buffet.

The smell of garlic keeps her at bay

2006-03-09T07:43:00.000-08:00

I get it. I'm Italian. We eat meatballs and spaghetti. ha ha ha. If you keep referring to Italian cuisine as "all that weird stuff" I'm going Tony Soprano on your ass.

He Has A Name

2006-03-08T13:52:00.000-08:00

MIL Dearest:

My son has a name. He’s had it since he was born. It’s very simple, just three letters and only one syllable. And since he is already 4 years old, he even responds to his name, so it is not appreciated that you try to obtain his attention by calling out, “Hey, you,” “Hey, mister,” or to whistle; say psst; or make kissing noises as you would when trying to call your cat.

Posters Wanted (updated)

2006-03-08T13:35:00.000-08:00

Thanks to fellow blogger Jamie Dawn, we are seeing a record number of hits to the MILDEW site today. If you are interested in being a contributor (read: regular poster) please read the comments (updated) and follow the instructions.

Being a member of mildew means
1. sweet revenge
2. free therapy
3. never saying you're sorry

MELODRAMATIC B.S.

2006-03-08T13:23:00.000-08:00

when you're talking to your MIL, and she says her "heart hurts" because her grandchildren live so far away, here's my reaction:

1) your "heart" seemed just fine with not visiting or holding your new grandson in the hospital.

2) your "heart" also didn't miss a beat when you suggested that i could move to indy by myself, and your son could stay in FL (sound like a thinly veiled divorce suggestion to me!). never mind that i stay at home, and we're moving for his job. or that he can't wait to get away from you either.

3) your "heart" apparently plays favorites and only "hurts" for your granddaughter, not your grandson.

i decided to play it "nicety" (nice-nasty). what i said was.....

"well, we have to do what's best for our family, and that was moving here. i'm sorry it's so very, VERY far away from you. we really won't be able to visit any time soon. so sorry.."

let me remind you again how far it is, and let me say it with joy in my voice.

Nothing, thanks for asking

2006-03-08T05:32:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, it's inevitable.

I have to put the kid in the car and haul butt over to the MIL'S house for a visit. She may know DAYS ahead of time that we are coming. Once we arrive, it's the same. "Have you eaten yet? I could have made something, but I never know if you've eaten."

Wanna know how to solve the mystery? When we call to say we are coming over; ask. Or dare I suggest; offer. I realize it's out of your comfort zone to think of others. Perhaps suggesting it after the fact is the same as actually doing it in your mind.

It's always an uncomfortable conversation. In the early days of dating my husband I made the mistake of admitting to hunger and had to watch her scrounge through her cabinets to locate a box of crackers and an expired can of soup. Mmmmmmmm....Tasty!

Are you serious?

2006-03-07T19:29:00.000-08:00

MIL.
Do not, I repeat, do NOT call here the day after forgetting your first grandson's birthday and proceed to tell your son that he may suffer from epilepsy because you feel down a flight of stairs while you were pregnant with him. His migraines are stress related which means you, me, ands the kids cause them. Mostly you.

Nor shall you ever again send a birthday card to MY son 4 days after his birthday, in which you bitch on and on how I moved everyone so far away from you and how it is his Mommy's fault that you can't be here on his birthday. Get on a damn plane and fly out here. Your son is serving his country and making just above the poverty line to do so!

Lost in Translation

2006-03-07T05:47:00.000-08:00

Dearest mil,
When your own sister suggests you apply for a handicapped parking tag, what she's really saying is "Shut Up." There is no physical reason that you can't park and walk to the front of the builing like everyone else. My grandmother (who is 92) drove until last year, when after three cataract removals and a hip replacement we took away the keys. Why can't you appreciate what you have?

Yours truly,
dil

MONDAY MONDAY

2006-03-06T17:16:00.000-08:00

So every other MONDAY the hubby is off. That means to most, a day to do as you please, sleep in, have hanky panky with the wife, whatever. But to MIL it's a chance to get his ass over to her house to do shit. Granted we have work to do around our own house.

It always starts with a "Son... (he does have a name, you could use it. You must know it, I mean, you named him! ) ...Is this your Monday off? " or "When's your next free Monday?". So far in 2006, he's cleaned out her attic and basement twice, stripped the appliances from the kitchen, and waited all day to have her furance cleaned and then there's today!!!

Today... lets start with the fact that he was away for work all weekend. Then on his only day off in the past 10, he is required to housesit all day waiting for the guys she hired to come lay a new kitchen floor. This has become an urgent project, even though the kitchen has been torn apart for over the 3 years I've been dating/married to him. So, as of 10:30 last night we still didn't hear from her with what time he needed to report for duty today.

I call him during my lunchbreak and the men aren't there yet. I ask what kinda of bleeping morons did his mom hire. He says there was a message on her machine when he got there that they'd be there between 12-4pm. Reasons his mom should push the button when she #1 hears an annoying bleep every 30 seconds or #2 sees the red light blinking on that little black machine by the phone. So the men do eventually roll in around 1:30. ( after he has put in about 5 hours of housesitting).

The best part? They cut the flooring wrong and have to reorder it! So I guess in a few Mondays hubby will be called to duty again. Worst part, she's without a kitchen sink - she is not dragging dishes here to wash. Ohh yeah - she mainly eats out - not a BIG ISSUE. (let's save that for another day shall we!)

The sad part is my MIL is really a likable person. In that sugary, sweet, kinda Mary Poppins way. I don't HATE her - she just annoys me by ASSUMING that she's the only one with dibs on the Hubby.

My MIL is probably one of the better ones but...

2006-03-06T17:13:00.000-08:00

For someone who created such an anally retentive idiot of a son, you would think that while staying with us you would :

a) stop leaving lights on in random places (which is something your son has a real bee in his bonnet about)

b) don`t leave hairs all over our sink.. it is just bad manners

And just as an added note:

when I am breastfeeding my son, please don`t call his name thereby causing him to turn towards you and exacerbating the already extremely painful wounds on my left nipple. It`s not big, it`s not clever and it hurts like hell.

and PS- Please don`t go rooting through my closet looking for hangers. It is MY private space and I would like to keep it that way.

fences make good neighbors

2006-03-06T05:03:00.000-08:00

Dear mil,
Maybe your neighbor put up that fence because you feed her dog cheese and give her unsolicited suggestions on her gardening. I dunno, just a hunch. She doesn't OWE you a conversation just because your days are, well, empty. None of us do.

warmly,
dil

annoying

2006-03-05T19:00:00.000-08:00

The thing that annoys me the most about my MIL is the way she talks. Talking is her favorite thing to do - she must be talking at all times. Usually it's about other people - today she shared how my SIL had to go to the doctor because her anxiety is bothering her, I would think that would be my SIL's place to tell me, not my MIL's! Anyway, when she asks questions, she nods her head and repeats the question twice. For example, "Do you want fries with that, do you want fries?" Or "Did you get the mail, get the mail?" It drives me crazy!

worst thing she has done

2006-03-04T18:20:00.000-08:00

The worst thing that my MIL ever did to me was to tell my DH he was making a mistake by marrying me. It was about a week before our wedding and she decided I wasn't good enough. Of course this was a long time coming, but why she decided to tell him this then, I don't know. Sigh.

Coming in 2nd

2006-03-04T10:46:00.000-08:00

Is it wrong to feel like I came in 2nd for birthday gifts? My Hubby gave me a $50 gc to hair salon as my sole bday gift. A month later, is his Momma's BIG DAY! I knew he installed and paid for a YEAR'S worth of DSL on her computer. I was pissed at the big expense, but said nothing. What's worse? When MIL calls to thank him for her birthday card, and gets me instead. She continues by saying "And tell him the check in the card wasn't necessary since he paid for the DSL already". No sh*t it wasn't necessary, and trust me he heard about it when I got to relay the message to him! There that felt good to unload!

THANKS D-I-L for inviting me to vent. There will be more I am sure.

39 cents!

2006-03-03T07:30:00.000-08:00

Mail the birthday card already. You better not disappoint your only grandchild when she's old enough to understand. Fixed income my ass.

MILDEW Quote Of The Day

2006-02-25T09:43:00.000-08:00

"It’s important to correctly identify mildew before taking steps to remove it."

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Email, just another way to be lazy and cheap

2006-02-14T17:58:00.000-08:00

This afternoon I receive an email explaining that she couldn't get my daughter's valentine into the mail because of the snow. May I please point out that it didn't snow until late Saturday night which is AFTER the point and time that said Valentine should have been placed in the mail for a timely delivery. As crappy as they are, she didn't even send a cyber card. Heck, she didn't even change her font color to red. Lazy mo-fo.

A picture is worth a thousand visits

2006-02-13T11:00:00.000-08:00

BW was off both Saturday and Sunday which is a rare occurance. When he volunteered to take the babe with him while he ran some errands I thought it would be the perfect opportunity for him to visit with her while I stayed home and got some things done.

"Oh, no!" he says. "I'm not going over there to get my ass chewed out for not having pictures."

"Did she ask for pictures?"

"Well, no. But I can't show up without any. You know how she gets."

YES. I DO. And it's about time YOU figured it out. Seriously, what person would be so obnoxious as to complain about not having photos when the real thing is in front of her?

Privacy!

2006-02-01T14:22:00.000-08:00

Dear MIL,
It is a federal offense to open your son's mail. Even if it erroneously arrives at your house. In addition, it offends my senses when you write notes all over said mail which is a BILL that I will have to return to someone. Don't make me have to call the authorities. You know I will.

Introduction

2006-01-01T05:17:00.000-08:00

This site is created as an anonymous outlet for daugter-in-laws everywhere who suffer from mildew. Mildew is fairly common, can be found in any home across the globe. Sadly, mildew is responsible for over 50% of divorces each year.

Top 10* list of MIL related peeves

2005-11-07T12:57:00.000-08:00

10. Telling us that you would have made something to eat, but you didn't know if we would eat on our way. One way to solve this is to ask us.
9. Refusing to talk to your son when I try to give him the phone. You carried HIM for 9 months, why is it my job to talk to you.
8. Referring to my relatives as "oh you're the irish one" or "you're the italian one" to their face.
7. Bringing 6 cupcakes to a party where you know there are at least 30 people
6. Complaining that my mom chose to make Devilled Eggs because it's the easiest thing to do. It is not. Bringing 6 cupcakes is far easier,
5. Starting most of your sentences directed at me with the word "Listen"
4. Dropping off your refuge at my house, especially after you've asked me if I want something and I've turned it down.
3. Replying to every email that contains a web album with the phrase "make me one of each and keep em coming"
2. Feeding my dog eggs, chocolate and really cheap chewies and then calling me the day after to inquire about her digestive system.
1. Asking me a question and then later IN FRONT OF ME asking my husband the same question.

*I had to really edit to get it down to 10.

It's all about me.

2005-09-30T13:05:00.000-07:00

We finally went to visit the MIL this past weekend. Upon showing her what m. has learned at her little gym class she remarks "It looks like this class is more for mommy."WHAT?Yes, you've got me. I SO enjoy singing "The Merry Duke of York." Clearly it's all about me. How totally observant of you.

A Three Hour Tour

2005-07-05T12:59:00.000-07:00

Holidays are a time for games, food and of course more stories about my mother-in-law (hereafter known as MIL). Annoyed with the dreaded "three hour visit" that loomed in my not-so-distant horizon, my devious mind set to work after the phone call on Thursday where I was dually informed that:a) I can begin solids/cereals any day nowb) She hasn't seen the munchkin in "forever"Neither of these comments were formally expressed, but implied. For those of you who don't speak MIL-ese it sounds like this:"is she crawling yet?""no, she's still too little""oh, I wasn't sure since I never see her*"(sidebar: I was at a funeral Monday, hosted a play group Wednesday and matron of honor in my sister's wedding on Friday. GET OFF ME LADY!)Anyway, back to the story. Since DH had an unprecedented 3 1/2 day hiatus from work I proactively suggested we invite MIL to my grandmother's picnic. This is a bonus in three ways, folks.
It counts as a visit, but I was free to ignore her once fixing her a plate and showing her to the bathroom. After all, it would be rude of me to dote on her and not mingle, right?
Because she lives 30 minutes away, Baby and I didn't do the drop off and pick up, leaving dear hubby with 1 hour of the "visit" solo.
There were people at the party that hadn't already been accosted by stories of her ailments and family tree ramblings. Score!
Everyone survived the picnic, including the munchkin, who is now the proud owner of a bib that says "I love my Grandma" - just in case I had forgotten.