The Grodster's entry for March MILDEW Madness

well, i'm not sure what defines the boundaries of bad habits, but you can take your pick.

1) she repeatedly tells my husband about her gynecology problems. in much excruciating detail. when he protests, she says, "well, you ARE married. i thought just you'd want to know i'm okay." and he says, "EXACTLY. you can tell me you're fine without details." the fact that she seems to like relaying the info is a little too weird for me. my husband actually had to resort to hanging up on her to get her to stop talking about what the dr. had to do "down there".

2) she has this really big mole on her chin that has a long hair that grows out of it. she absentmindedly plays with the hair as you talk to her. mind you, the hair is like one inch long. that shit needs to be lasered. but the upside is, it does make her look like the witch she is.

Not Good Enough's Entry

I have two, and they are both good, but I'll put my favorite one first and then if there is time I'll post the second.

My MIL is funny about gift-giving. She does not like to exchange gifts at the same time because she needs to assess the gift you gave her and then figure out how much you spent on her so she can spend EXACTLY the same amount, not a penny more. Thus at Christmas we give her her gifts a week before Christmas and then she goes out to buy ours and receive ours a couple days after Christmas Day. And if she thinks you spent too much on her gift she will most certainly not buy your equivalent but deliberately get you something so cheap just to make the point that it is not about what you get but that you should be thankful someone got you something at all. For example, my husband received a water bottle one year. A water bottle. We gave her a cashmere sweater.

Bossy's entry..Enjoy ladies..

My MIL has severe OCD. Before we moved out of state (thank the Lord) she would call us to ask us if we locked our doors, if our toaster was unplugged, if the stove was shut off...ect..ect..

Then she would call us to go to her home and make sure her doors were locked..( she has two homes.)

We would have to go over and check her stove, heat, and all the appliances..Everyday..To make sure they were not on..Even though she was not at the house for weeks...

I was so tired of doing this, I unplugged her fridge...(she said make sure everything was unplugged..teehee)...She came home to a rancid smelling aroma..A that was pure joy ladies..Pure joy;)

Bee Real

March MILDEW Madness Entry

MIL Dearest:

Remember the “Grandma’s Journal” that we gave to you Christmas 2004 to fill out and complete during all your spare time watching Wheel of Fortune, PGA Tour, bowling, napping, etc., and then give to your grandson? We gave that to you since you have everything you possibly already need and want and thought that being able to pass on your thoughts and “wisdom” to your then two year old grandson since he will probably never remember you – as you are now into your 80’s – something you might find inspirational.

However, when Christmas 2005 came and I saw that the journal was not only sitting in the unused parlor in the exact same spot you left it a year earlier, still in the box, BUT you still had not ONE GODDAMN WORD written in it. Well, just in case you ever notice (bwahahahahahaha!), I took it back and gave it to my mother. She’s nearly completed it, too, ...even though she still works outside the home.

Yome`s entry..

I couldn`t think of anything first of all but my MIL is here for the night and this morning I caught her climbing into bed with my son (yet again) while I was checking my e-mail. We co-sleep so this is OUR bed we are talking about. Does anyone else think it is totally inappropriate or is it just me!?!? She does it every single time that she comes and stays and he is asleep later than we are.

She also uses the same cloth that she wipes the table with to wipe his hands after we eat. Minging..

There is Real Time and then there is MIL Time

Dear MIL,

When you RSVP to a party held in my home at a time convenient for my husband's work schedule, do not complain about eating too early. You knew what time dinner was going to be served, you knew he had to leave for work by 5. So don't make a big deal about how you JUST ATE lunch and now you'll have to go home and make yourself something later because you are too full to eat again, but in four hours you'll be starving so I should just box up all my leftovers and send them home with you so you don't have to cook. Because I just live to serve.

No manners required

so when your EMIL (evil-mother-in-law) sends an email that says,

"jo-dee,

where are my pictures?

mom"

do you think i'm really going to send her any? first of all, i do not and will NEVER call her mom. secondly, i expect some manners, dammit. if you want pictures of your grandchildren, i better see some please and thank you. otherwise, keep on waiting.

Run that by us ONE more time?!?!?!?

MIL,

Why, dear lord, would you adopt a 2 and 4 year old, when you have a 19 year old college student, a 13 year old special needs child who needs 24 hour a day care, and a 10 year old? Why would you then proceed to not tell your oldest son about it until all is said, done, and final? And while we are on this particular train, why would you expect him to be happy? You were just diagnosed with epilepsy that you think you gave him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No thank you on the polyester tip

dear MIL,

when you call me and tell me that you bought thomas the train sheets for my daughter, and that you guess i'm just stuck with them because they're non-returnable, THINK AGAIN.

because i will leave a message for you.

1) they're blue and red! (i only use white sheets and she knows this)
2) they're 70% POLYESTER! again, 70% POLYESTER!
3) i have said repeatedly that my kids are not advertisement for toys, so no character-endorsed tees, sheets, whatever.
3) you can give them to the neighbor boy down the street as i'm sure he will enjoy them.

why on earth would you give sheets like that to someone who has a degree in textiles?? and to tell me with a laugh that i'm stuck with them because you can't take them back...well, sorry you wasted your money. don't think that guilt crap works on me.

Perfect

MIL Dearest:

How naïve would it be of me to believe that of your three daughter-in-laws, you have never referred to me as either “Weird,” “A Bitch,” or “Stupid,” since that’s the only way you describe the other two sister-in-laws behind their backs? Could I really be that perfect?

How To Treat Your Children, Lesson 1

When talking with all three of your sons and their wives, do not refer to the youngest as your baby and the oldest as your favorite and then stop talking. This causes an embarrassed silence and anxious looks directed at my husband because you said nothing about your middle son who is standing right in front of you. And then when you think you should probably say something to cover your ass, don't say, "Oh and (My Husband) is great too!"
The damage is already done.

Fashion Victim

MIL Dearest:

Yes, I know that is one of the cardigan sets we got you for Christmas, as not only did I buy it, and obviously GIVE it to you, but you told me the last time you wore it as well. You don't hear me pointing out everything you have bought for me...

...uh, right. Never mind.

This is what I deal with

Dear MIL,
just because you made your kids wear life jackets in the car when you were driving on the lakeshore, DOES NOT mean I have to make my kids wear them.

I mean I do have confidence in my driving ability enough to know I more than likely wont plummet into the lake while driving on the road.

Nor will I put leashes on the children. Mmmkay?

I wont drown them, or lose them for Christ sake...

IT'S NOT OFFENSIVE. REALLY. GO AHEAD.

so what do you do when your MIL feels free to use the term "chink"?

MIL: "daddy used to work with this man who was really smart but kind of weird. but he was a chink."

me: "please don't use that word in front of my daughter." (g. was on the phone, waiting to talk to grandma)

MIL: "but i only meant that in a good way, of course. (BIG pause) they opened a new chinese buffet down the street. maybe you'll want to try it when you all visit."

how many times do i have to say this? it's CHINESE, not chink. and real chinese people don't eat "chinese" buffet.

He Has A Name

MIL Dearest:

My son has a name. He’s had it since he was born. It’s very simple, just three letters and only one syllable. And since he is already 4 years old, he even responds to his name, so it is not appreciated that you try to obtain his attention by calling out, “Hey, you,” “Hey, mister,” or to whistle; say psst; or make kissing noises as you would when trying to call your cat.

MELODRAMATIC B.S.

when you're talking to your MIL, and she says her "heart hurts" because her grandchildren live so far away, here's my reaction:

1) your "heart" seemed just fine with not visiting or holding your new grandson in the hospital.

2) your "heart" also didn't miss a beat when you suggested that i could move to indy by myself, and your son could stay in FL (sound like a thinly veiled divorce suggestion to me!). never mind that i stay at home, and we're moving for his job. or that he can't wait to get away from you either.

3) your "heart" apparently plays favorites and only "hurts" for your granddaughter, not your grandson.

i decided to play it "nicety" (nice-nasty). what i said was.....

"well, we have to do what's best for our family, and that was moving here. i'm sorry it's so very, VERY far away from you. we really won't be able to visit any time soon. so sorry.."

let me remind you again how far it is, and let me say it with joy in my voice.

Are you serious?

MIL.
Do not, I repeat, do NOT call here the day after forgetting your first grandson's birthday and proceed to tell your son that he may suffer from epilepsy because you feel down a flight of stairs while you were pregnant with him. His migraines are stress related which means you, me, ands the kids cause them. Mostly you.

Nor shall you ever again send a birthday card to MY son 4 days after his birthday, in which you bitch on and on how I moved everyone so far away from you and how it is his Mommy's fault that you can't be here on his birthday. Get on a damn plane and fly out here. Your son is serving his country and making just above the poverty line to do so!

My MIL is probably one of the better ones but...

For someone who created such an anally retentive idiot of a son, you would think that while staying with us you would :

a) stop leaving lights on in random places (which is something your son has a real bee in his bonnet about)

b) don`t leave hairs all over our sink.. it is just bad manners

And just as an added note:

when I am breastfeeding my son, please don`t call his name thereby causing him to turn towards you and exacerbating the already extremely painful wounds on my left nipple. It`s not big, it`s not clever and it hurts like hell.

and PS- Please don`t go rooting through my closet looking for hangers. It is MY private space and I would like to keep it that way.