Sunday, April 30, 2006

Don't Bother Asking

Dear MIL,

I was very flattered you asked about what was going on in my life and initially appeared interested in what I had to say. However, if you were not serious about listening to me and only planned on paying attention for two minutes, don't bother asking me to detail my life's events. In case you are wondering, it is not polite to jump up in the middle of someone's sentence to run over and welcome your "favorite" son (not my husband) into the room and then turn to me and say "Oh, you were done, right?"

Your DIL

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Your Lack of Concern Overwhelms Me

MIL Dearest:

Sorry we haven't bothered telling you the outcome of IVF #2, which failed (thanks, readers of MILDEW, for the kind wishes); but I'm guessing that your concern is immeasurable - as in below the charts - since you have asked neither my husband nor myself how things went. It's such a damn pity that we live less than a mile from you and that phones are such an inconvenience. And heaven forbid you ask me the when we went out for dinner and I sat right next to you the other night. Oh, and another thing, thank you so much for shoving the pictures of your new great-granddaughter under my nose. It was just the right thing to do to keep my appetite to a minimum.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Mother's Day Challenge

Do you do the shopping for your mil on mother's day or make the hubby do it?

Share your favorite MILDEW moment from a previous mother's day, or tell us what you plan to get your mil for mother's day this year.

On behalf of grodee

Grodee had some trouble posting this yesterday. Go read about it on her other site.

Friday, April 21, 2006


Dearest MIL,

Thanks so much for caring enough to move your Easter Meal up to 2pm, and NOT TELLING US! We ended up missing my grandma's homecooked meal at 5pm, because we were scheduled for your house at 5pm. I 'm so glad I gave up my grandma's fresh cooked ham, mashed potatoes with butter, and all the excellent side dishes and tasty desserts for some nuked ziti. Oh, we also warmed up some augraten potatoes (box mix) , corn and a small hunk of overcooked ham.

thanks bunches


It's true that your other son called and harassed me today and is hereby disinvited from my husband's birthday party. I can't believe you thought telling me you won't have a ride now would sway my decision. Thinking of you sitting home alone - oh, it's like having my cake and yours, too!

This party needs to come with trailers I think:
***here's a look at next week's episode of the birthday party from hell***

Thursday, April 20, 2006


Dear MIL,

Calling me to tell me you are going to be later than the time we arranged for me to pick you up is fine. Calling the HOME phone and leaving a message when I had told you I would be out teaching and would go straight to pick you up is NOT helpful, especially not as my students had bought a cake as it is my son`s first birthday today and I had to rush proceedings because I didn`t want to leave you waiting. You have my mobile phone number for a reason. USE IT...

Not Your Party, Cry If You Want To

Dear MIL,
Your son is having a birthday ending in a zero or a five. I accept it is my marital responsibility to plan it. Since I initiated the conversation with you, against my better judgement, you have been nothing but a complete ass. Let us count the ways:

1. Telling my mother about it. Yes, the one you keep emailing even though I ask you not to. She wasn't on the guest list. Thanks for making things awkward.

2. Trying to "troubleshoot" the email invite I sent to members of your family. Yes the link works. Yes your brother figured it out. No, you should not ever get involved with technical matters.

3. I am working the menu and have a theme in mind. I don't care if you think Mexican food is "weird." Please, let's not have any of your tasty pre-packaged macaroni salad that we sampled for easter, or half dozen cupcakes that you brought for a party of 50 guests. Why not stick to devilled eggs? You know - 'cause their so EASY to make.

The irony is killing me

dearest MIL,

i find it ironic that "daddy and i just can't stand to sit on a plane for 2 1/2 hours to come visit. it's just hard on us" , but apparently, daddy and i (meaning FIL and MIL) can sit in a car and drive 11 hours to alabama for a 50th high school reunion. and daddy and i can also sit in a car and drive 12 hours to north carolina to see the rhododendrons (sp?) bloom. but daddy and i CANNOT sit 2 1/2 hours on a plane to see our grandchildren. oh, we couldn't possibly. because sitting on a plane is MUCH MUCH harder than taking a long driving trip.

glad to see you have your priorities. and i think i will be saying that in our next conversation.

(oh, and YES, i did say they're from alabama. it explains a lot, actually. like the whole racist thing. but that's another post.)

Monday, April 17, 2006

How Not To Show Your Support

MIL Dearest:

I never knew that our family-building attempts were such a burden to you so when you responded with "Again???!!!" in disgust after we told you we were going to try IVF #2, it made me wonder that either a) our one child is one too many especially considering the time (or lack thereof) that you spend with him; or b) you have no concept of what the difference is between "two" and "two-hundred". Thank you so much for your loving support in what we consider a very difficult time.

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Did You Forget?

Dear M.I.L.,

When I spoke to you three weeks ago regarding my new schedule and mentioned I would no longer be able to attend your Sunday dinners, you graciously suggested we move the dinners to Saturday so the whole family could attend. So you had no reason to act surprised today when my husband showed up alone for your Easter dinner. I was at work, like I told you. And no, I can not just "pop over for a bite." Everything would be put away and everyone else would be gone by the time I could get there on my break. If you so desperately want to see me, don't schedule a family get-together on a day you know I can not make it and then act all injured like I stood you up on purpose.

Fondly, Your D.I.L.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Thanks in advance

Dear MIL,
Join me in a fun trip down memory lane.

Thanksgiving 2005.
You made a big deal about us visiting.
We offered to cook, you declined.
You served turkey lunchmeat on partially thawed white bread.
Four adults shared two boiled potatoes.

My grandmother loves to cook. Loves to entertain. Loves to make enough food to feed an army. Please do not drag out your Easter "lunch" celebration to the point that I again miss her steamy hot mashed potatoes in exchange for a brown bag lunch. I thank you in advance for your co-operation.


Tuesday, April 11, 2006

No nipples please

dear MIL,

please DO NOT send my daughter any more size 3 hoochie clothes. when the top of the dress is a triangle cut that exposes 3-yr-old nipple, that is NOT cute. neither is the fake punk rock chain that connects said dress at the hip. if i wanted my daughter to dress like a whore, i would go shopping with you. since i want her to look like the sweet child she is, i will send back the hooker dress.

and just a side note....does it seem doubly inappropriate to give hooker clothes for EASTER? i think it's safe to say that Jesus is not impressed, MIL.

luv and kisses,

grody jo-dee

Friday, April 07, 2006

You want him to WHAT?

Dearest MIL,

Did you really ask my husband (who has already given up many Mondays off to slave at your house) to wake up early on a Saturday morning (our 1 day to sleep in) and drive to your house, get your dogs, and wait in line with them for shots at PETCO?!

I'm sorry you work Saturdays and can't be there before the shots end at noon. But really - this is above and beyond!
Totally annoyed!

PS... he'll be away all weekend for national guard drill so we could actually say NO!!!!!

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

When are you gonna learn?

so the hubby is talking to the evil MIL on the phone the other day, and she says, "i was just callinng to see if you were still alive. we haven't heard from you." which by the way, he did call last week. you weren't home and didn't return the call.

the hubby then pointed out that calling is a two-way street. when we call you, and you don't return our call, then the ball is in your court. also, if you don't choose to call us, then how is our fault that you haven't talked to us?

p.s. if you send my daughter that awful betty crocker toy vacuum you keep mentioning (hello! i didn't even know that betty crocker made toys), then i will goodwill it. you 've been told repeatedly that we don't like and have no room for large plastic toys. you CAN give us toys we hate, but we CAN give it to charity.

Psst...little girl you want some candy?

I started typing out a comment to DD about her mil pushing the sweets and it took on a life of its own.

My mil never made my husband eat anything he didn't like. As a result he doesn't eat 90% of most fruits and veggies. After a few years of begging him to at least TRY salad we found out that he actually likes it. Part of the problem was her cheapness. She only ever bought iceberg lettuce and the cheapest dressing she could find. My husband knew nothing of Romaine's leafy goodness much less the delight of a balsalmic or ceasar dressing. And croutons? That's alien to a woman of her culinary prowess.

The mil is our regular dog-sitter; and she gladly watches the dog with little grief. She loves to feed the dog from the table even after asked not to. Then there is the degree of delight I see in her face every time we pick up the dog and she "casually on purpose" mentions some kind of forbidden food she lavished on the dog. It's like she is temptng me to correct her after using her kennel service for free. Result? The dog pukes every time we pick her up from that woman.

And now it begins with my daugter. The sly comments about when can my daughter have "the good stuff." Ummmm, she's breast-fed so she is getting the good stuff right now. She somehow needs to buy love from those around her and food is her currency.

Sunday, April 02, 2006

on the FIL

Just have to post a small rant on the FIL. A few weeks ago he and the MIL babysat for the daughter. When we arrived back home he went on and on about why we have deprived our daughter of a blanket. Even though I tried to explain that she is used to it because she has never slept with a blanket, he insisted on asking me, my husband, and my MIL how we would feel if he took our blankets away!

As for the MIL, she insisted we needed to have a fruit platter at our daughter's first birthday party. I still don't know why it was such a big deal to her, but she insisted it was necessary! Let's just say that she paid for said fruit platter!

March Madness - a little late

My MIL's most annoying habit is talking, as I believe I've mentioned before. When my daughter was smaller, I'd leave her presence to breastfeed. More recently, I thought it would be ok to do so in her presence. Well, MIL cannot shut up, and this distracts my daughter, who will repeatedly pause her eating to look at my MIL! So my MIL repeatedly says, "Oh, I'll stop talking, I'm distracting her." Pause a few seconds, she talks again, then says again, "Oh, I'll stop talking." Repeat.

Sweet Tooth

MIL Dearest:

I realize that in your family candy, snacks, treats, bite-size Whatevers are staples, which is evident by your entire family's battles with weight, including the son I married. HOWEVER, I do not need you to suck my son into that life by bringing him candy. I'm getting tired of him turning into Pavlov's dog everytime he sees you; and frankly, he will remember you more for paying attention to him instead of the reason he has to see the dentist every three months.