"WE ARE NOT TECH SUPPORT"

Dearest MIL,

I haven't seen much of the husband the past 2 nights. One night he was with you til 11pm working on your kitchen project from hell and last night a hockey game. So when we decide to enjoy a casual dinner out and then some cuddle time on the couch we don't need another TECH SUPPORT phonecall. When your computer isn't working try verizon, when your cell isn't working call Cingular from your house phone, and when the damn cable is out call RCN.
Otherwise, I may start billing you an hourly rate for my husband's time!

Peeved

Please leave a message ...

Dear MIL,

We're sorry you missed out on the super cheesy pizza & delicous ice cream cake for the hubby's birthday the other day. Did I mention there was a layer of fudge inside the cake where the chocolate crunchies are. What a delightful surprise! I imagine sitting alone on the couch watching reruns couldn't have been as much fun.

The bday boy did leave a message - a voicemail on your cell phone. You see the problem is... this little game where you and your sons only use cell phones to contact each other... and apparently you lost the game this time. We've been trying to break you of this habit. Did you ever notice that at night we let our cellphones RING off the hook, but if you dial back on the house phone we answer. That's because we are either downstairs working out ( I will not run upstairs for the cellphone) or on the couch or in bed with a phone within inches of us. Our cellphones are either in the car, the kitchen or maybe in a purse and just not handy.

One other healthy reminder! Maybe if you actually checked your messages on your home answering machine we would've tried calling you at home. Remember, the loud screeching beep you hear every 30 seconds and blinking red light = you have a message. Most people actually check for messages when they get home from being out for hours. The beep is an added feature to get your attention - I bet it even costs an extra $2, and if you don't use it - well that's just money down the drain!

Love Ya
Me

Trying to be helpful without actually doing a thing

My mil has this interesting way of asking if we need anything for our daughter. It goes like this:

"ummm, d-i-l, does the munchkin need clothes? I was going to get her a shirt, but I didn't know."

Well, if it is something she truly NEEDS then we buy it for her, she never goes without. And if you want to get it for her because it is cute or you think it is useful, then buy it - like my parents do.

APRONSTRINGS (belated entry)

Dearest MIL,

I do NOT appreciate 6am phonecalls on weekend mornings. They scare the piss out of me, and I literally jump in the air. I especially dispise them on weekends that my daughter is with my ex and I could truly sleep in!!

I can't help it your dogs pee at 4am and the stupidest thoughts run through your head once you're up. Obviously you have no impulse control, as you need to share those thoughts immediately with your precious firstborn son. Who may I add sleeps like the f-ing dead and never knows you called. I also don't tell him it rang so it may be hours till he sees your voicemail ( oops so sorry!)

Sure I could turn off the ringer on the bedroom phone, but it wouldn't solve my problem, since you always call the hubby's cellphone. And the best part is that his cellphone plays loud obnoxious music forever till it cuts to voicemail. I refuse to get up and answer it so if it's ever an emergency good f-ing luck getting through. That makes you .... the MIL that called 'Wolf" one too many times.

Thanks so much for sharing dear MIL ...just try not to reach out and touch someone when they're SLEEPING!

your d-i-l

March Mildew Madness

Let's celebrate spring with a contributor challenge. Post the most insane mil habit. Will there be voting, winners and prizes? Probably not.

The Grodster's entry for March MILDEW Madness

well, i'm not sure what defines the boundaries of bad habits, but you can take your pick.

1) she repeatedly tells my husband about her gynecology problems. in much excruciating detail. when he protests, she says, "well, you ARE married. i thought just you'd want to know i'm okay." and he says, "EXACTLY. you can tell me you're fine without details." the fact that she seems to like relaying the info is a little too weird for me. my husband actually had to resort to hanging up on her to get her to stop talking about what the dr. had to do "down there".

2) she has this really big mole on her chin that has a long hair that grows out of it. she absentmindedly plays with the hair as you talk to her. mind you, the hair is like one inch long. that shit needs to be lasered. but the upside is, it does make her look like the witch she is.

Not Good Enough's Entry

I have two, and they are both good, but I'll put my favorite one first and then if there is time I'll post the second.

My MIL is funny about gift-giving. She does not like to exchange gifts at the same time because she needs to assess the gift you gave her and then figure out how much you spent on her so she can spend EXACTLY the same amount, not a penny more. Thus at Christmas we give her her gifts a week before Christmas and then she goes out to buy ours and receive ours a couple days after Christmas Day. And if she thinks you spent too much on her gift she will most certainly not buy your equivalent but deliberately get you something so cheap just to make the point that it is not about what you get but that you should be thankful someone got you something at all. For example, my husband received a water bottle one year. A water bottle. We gave her a cashmere sweater.

Bossy's entry..Enjoy ladies..

My MIL has severe OCD. Before we moved out of state (thank the Lord) she would call us to ask us if we locked our doors, if our toaster was unplugged, if the stove was shut off...ect..ect..

Then she would call us to go to her home and make sure her doors were locked..( she has two homes.)

We would have to go over and check her stove, heat, and all the appliances..Everyday..To make sure they were not on..Even though she was not at the house for weeks...

I was so tired of doing this, I unplugged her fridge...(she said make sure everything was unplugged..teehee)...She came home to a rancid smelling aroma..A that was pure joy ladies..Pure joy;)

Bee Real

March MILDEW Madness Entry

MIL Dearest:

Remember the “Grandma’s Journal” that we gave to you Christmas 2004 to fill out and complete during all your spare time watching Wheel of Fortune, PGA Tour, bowling, napping, etc., and then give to your grandson? We gave that to you since you have everything you possibly already need and want and thought that being able to pass on your thoughts and “wisdom” to your then two year old grandson since he will probably never remember you – as you are now into your 80’s – something you might find inspirational.

However, when Christmas 2005 came and I saw that the journal was not only sitting in the unused parlor in the exact same spot you left it a year earlier, still in the box, BUT you still had not ONE GODDAMN WORD written in it. Well, just in case you ever notice (bwahahahahahaha!), I took it back and gave it to my mother. She’s nearly completed it, too, ...even though she still works outside the home.

Daughter In Law's Entry

This is my March Mildew Madness challenge submission:

My MIL doesn't pump her own gas. There is a full service station within a mile of her house, but it isn't the closest or cheapest, so she won't go there. That means she has to send one of her sons to fill her tank. This is a double bonus for her, because my husband usually pays. What grown man is going to accept $20 from the woman who pushed him out her hoo-ha?

We live about 20 miles from her, so it isn't exactly convenient.

Yome`s entry..

I couldn`t think of anything first of all but my MIL is here for the night and this morning I caught her climbing into bed with my son (yet again) while I was checking my e-mail. We co-sleep so this is OUR bed we are talking about. Does anyone else think it is totally inappropriate or is it just me!?!? She does it every single time that she comes and stays and he is asleep later than we are.

She also uses the same cloth that she wipes the table with to wipe his hands after we eat. Minging..

Oh yes she did.

Did you honestly ask other moms at my daughter's birthday party why their kids weren't walking yet?

There is Real Time and then there is MIL Time

Dear MIL,

When you RSVP to a party held in my home at a time convenient for my husband's work schedule, do not complain about eating too early. You knew what time dinner was going to be served, you knew he had to leave for work by 5. So don't make a big deal about how you JUST ATE lunch and now you'll have to go home and make yourself something later because you are too full to eat again, but in four hours you'll be starving so I should just box up all my leftovers and send them home with you so you don't have to cook. Because I just live to serve.

No manners required

so when your EMIL (evil-mother-in-law) sends an email that says,

"jo-dee,

where are my pictures?

mom"

do you think i'm really going to send her any? first of all, i do not and will NEVER call her mom. secondly, i expect some manners, dammit. if you want pictures of your grandchildren, i better see some please and thank you. otherwise, keep on waiting.

Run that by us ONE more time?!?!?!?

MIL,

Why, dear lord, would you adopt a 2 and 4 year old, when you have a 19 year old college student, a 13 year old special needs child who needs 24 hour a day care, and a 10 year old? Why would you then proceed to not tell your oldest son about it until all is said, done, and final? And while we are on this particular train, why would you expect him to be happy? You were just diagnosed with epilepsy that you think you gave him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's 9pm - do you know where your Husband is?

So about 5 hours ago he went to help the MIL find a dishwasher for the previously mentioned kitchen remodel. It's now 9pm... 3 different cities, and 6 stores later they are still cruising around. Can the prices and styles really be THAT different between Home Depot and Lowes? Sears & Circuit City? I hope she bought him dinner cus LORD knows I ain't cooking now!

Definitely a night to pretend I'm sleeping when he gets home!!

No thank you on the polyester tip

dear MIL,

when you call me and tell me that you bought thomas the train sheets for my daughter, and that you guess i'm just stuck with them because they're non-returnable, THINK AGAIN.

because i will leave a message for you.

1) they're blue and red! (i only use white sheets and she knows this)
2) they're 70% POLYESTER! again, 70% POLYESTER!
3) i have said repeatedly that my kids are not advertisement for toys, so no character-endorsed tees, sheets, whatever.
3) you can give them to the neighbor boy down the street as i'm sure he will enjoy them.

why on earth would you give sheets like that to someone who has a degree in textiles?? and to tell me with a laugh that i'm stuck with them because you can't take them back...well, sorry you wasted your money. don't think that guilt crap works on me.

gimme gimme

Dear MIL,
There is a reason we pay for your internet access. It's because we don't WANT to make a duplicate copy of every single photo of our daughter or a dvd of each video clip. We take a lot of pictures. It's expensive. We don't print all of them out ourselves. In addition, we set up a domain name and web hosting so that we could share the pictures and videos with you. It is a lot of extra work. We would appreciate a little less greed and compaining.

- The dil

Perfect

MIL Dearest:

How naïve would it be of me to believe that of your three daughter-in-laws, you have never referred to me as either “Weird,” “A Bitch,” or “Stupid,” since that’s the only way you describe the other two sister-in-laws behind their backs? Could I really be that perfect?

How To Treat Your Children, Lesson 1

When talking with all three of your sons and their wives, do not refer to the youngest as your baby and the oldest as your favorite and then stop talking. This causes an embarrassed silence and anxious looks directed at my husband because you said nothing about your middle son who is standing right in front of you. And then when you think you should probably say something to cover your ass, don't say, "Oh and (My Husband) is great too!"
The damage is already done.

Grandmom's big day

Dear MIL,
Clearly you misunderstood my role at my daughter's birthday party today. Instead of viewing me as the hostess to 50 guests, you showed your true colors once again by treating me as your personal attendant. I must apologize for forgetting that when YOUR relatives are late, it is my responsibility to be on the lookout for them and to direct them to the seats you've saved. By the way, thank you for saving those seats for people who couldn't bother to RSVP. Really. My friends and family, who RSVP'd promptly didn't want to sit down. And it wasn't at all awkward as the wait-staff had to scramble for extra place-settings at the last minute. So glad you could share in the big day with all your drama!

smooches!
dil

p.s. did you really just hit me up for a copy of the video we showed?

When you care enough to send the very least

Ah, nothing says "sincere sympathy on the death of your grandmother" like an e-greeting.

Fashion Victim

MIL Dearest:

Yes, I know that is one of the cardigan sets we got you for Christmas, as not only did I buy it, and obviously GIVE it to you, but you told me the last time you wore it as well. You don't hear me pointing out everything you have bought for me...

...uh, right. Never mind.

This is what I deal with

Dear MIL,
just because you made your kids wear life jackets in the car when you were driving on the lakeshore, DOES NOT mean I have to make my kids wear them.

I mean I do have confidence in my driving ability enough to know I more than likely wont plummet into the lake while driving on the road.

Nor will I put leashes on the children. Mmmkay?

I wont drown them, or lose them for Christ sake...

IT'S NOT OFFENSIVE. REALLY. GO AHEAD.

so what do you do when your MIL feels free to use the term "chink"?

MIL: "daddy used to work with this man who was really smart but kind of weird. but he was a chink."

me: "please don't use that word in front of my daughter." (g. was on the phone, waiting to talk to grandma)

MIL: "but i only meant that in a good way, of course. (BIG pause) they opened a new chinese buffet down the street. maybe you'll want to try it when you all visit."

how many times do i have to say this? it's CHINESE, not chink. and real chinese people don't eat "chinese" buffet.

The smell of garlic keeps her at bay

I get it. I'm Italian. We eat meatballs and spaghetti. ha ha ha. If you keep referring to Italian cuisine as "all that weird stuff" I'm going Tony Soprano on your ass.

He Has A Name

MIL Dearest:

My son has a name. He’s had it since he was born. It’s very simple, just three letters and only one syllable. And since he is already 4 years old, he even responds to his name, so it is not appreciated that you try to obtain his attention by calling out, “Hey, you,” “Hey, mister,” or to whistle; say psst; or make kissing noises as you would when trying to call your cat.

Posters Wanted (updated)

Thanks to fellow blogger Jamie Dawn, we are seeing a record number of hits to the MILDEW site today. If you are interested in being a contributor (read: regular poster) please read the comments (updated) and follow the instructions.

Being a member of mildew means
1. sweet revenge
2. free therapy
3. never saying you're sorry

MELODRAMATIC B.S.

when you're talking to your MIL, and she says her "heart hurts" because her grandchildren live so far away, here's my reaction:

1) your "heart" seemed just fine with not visiting or holding your new grandson in the hospital.

2) your "heart" also didn't miss a beat when you suggested that i could move to indy by myself, and your son could stay in FL (sound like a thinly veiled divorce suggestion to me!). never mind that i stay at home, and we're moving for his job. or that he can't wait to get away from you either.

3) your "heart" apparently plays favorites and only "hurts" for your granddaughter, not your grandson.

i decided to play it "nicety" (nice-nasty). what i said was.....

"well, we have to do what's best for our family, and that was moving here. i'm sorry it's so very, VERY far away from you. we really won't be able to visit any time soon. so sorry.."

let me remind you again how far it is, and let me say it with joy in my voice.

Nothing, thanks for asking

Sometimes, it's inevitable.

I have to put the kid in the car and haul butt over to the MIL'S house for a visit. She may know DAYS ahead of time that we are coming. Once we arrive, it's the same. "Have you eaten yet? I could have made something, but I never know if you've eaten."

Wanna know how to solve the mystery? When we call to say we are coming over; ask. Or dare I suggest; offer. I realize it's out of your comfort zone to think of others. Perhaps suggesting it after the fact is the same as actually doing it in your mind.

It's always an uncomfortable conversation. In the early days of dating my husband I made the mistake of admitting to hunger and had to watch her scrounge through her cabinets to locate a box of crackers and an expired can of soup. Mmmmmmmm....Tasty!

Are you serious?

MIL.
Do not, I repeat, do NOT call here the day after forgetting your first grandson's birthday and proceed to tell your son that he may suffer from epilepsy because you feel down a flight of stairs while you were pregnant with him. His migraines are stress related which means you, me, ands the kids cause them. Mostly you.

Nor shall you ever again send a birthday card to MY son 4 days after his birthday, in which you bitch on and on how I moved everyone so far away from you and how it is his Mommy's fault that you can't be here on his birthday. Get on a damn plane and fly out here. Your son is serving his country and making just above the poverty line to do so!

Lost in Translation

Dearest mil,
When your own sister suggests you apply for a handicapped parking tag, what she's really saying is "Shut Up." There is no physical reason that you can't park and walk to the front of the builing like everyone else. My grandmother (who is 92) drove until last year, when after three cataract removals and a hip replacement we took away the keys. Why can't you appreciate what you have?

Yours truly,
dil

MONDAY MONDAY

So every other MONDAY the hubby is off. That means to most, a day to do as you please, sleep in, have hanky panky with the wife, whatever. But to MIL it's a chance to get his ass over to her house to do shit. Granted we have work to do around our own house.

It always starts with a "Son... (he does have a name, you could use it. You must know it, I mean, you named him! ) ...Is this your Monday off? " or "When's your next free Monday?". So far in 2006, he's cleaned out her attic and basement twice, stripped the appliances from the kitchen, and waited all day to have her furance cleaned and then there's today!!!

Today... lets start with the fact that he was away for work all weekend. Then on his only day off in the past 10, he is required to housesit all day waiting for the guys she hired to come lay a new kitchen floor. This has become an urgent project, even though the kitchen has been torn apart for over the 3 years I've been dating/married to him. So, as of 10:30 last night we still didn't hear from her with what time he needed to report for duty today.

I call him during my lunchbreak and the men aren't there yet. I ask what kinda of bleeping morons did his mom hire. He says there was a message on her machine when he got there that they'd be there between 12-4pm. Reasons his mom should push the button when she #1 hears an annoying bleep every 30 seconds or #2 sees the red light blinking on that little black machine by the phone. So the men do eventually roll in around 1:30. ( after he has put in about 5 hours of housesitting).

The best part? They cut the flooring wrong and have to reorder it! So I guess in a few Mondays hubby will be called to duty again. Worst part, she's without a kitchen sink - she is not dragging dishes here to wash. Ohh yeah - she mainly eats out - not a BIG ISSUE. (let's save that for another day shall we!)

The sad part is my MIL is really a likable person. In that sugary, sweet, kinda Mary Poppins way. I don't HATE her - she just annoys me by ASSUMING that she's the only one with dibs on the Hubby.

My MIL is probably one of the better ones but...

For someone who created such an anally retentive idiot of a son, you would think that while staying with us you would :

a) stop leaving lights on in random places (which is something your son has a real bee in his bonnet about)

b) don`t leave hairs all over our sink.. it is just bad manners

And just as an added note:

when I am breastfeeding my son, please don`t call his name thereby causing him to turn towards you and exacerbating the already extremely painful wounds on my left nipple. It`s not big, it`s not clever and it hurts like hell.

and PS- Please don`t go rooting through my closet looking for hangers. It is MY private space and I would like to keep it that way.

fences make good neighbors

Dear mil,
Maybe your neighbor put up that fence because you feed her dog cheese and give her unsolicited suggestions on her gardening. I dunno, just a hunch. She doesn't OWE you a conversation just because your days are, well, empty. None of us do.

warmly,
dil

annoying

The thing that annoys me the most about my MIL is the way she talks. Talking is her favorite thing to do - she must be talking at all times. Usually it's about other people - today she shared how my SIL had to go to the doctor because her anxiety is bothering her, I would think that would be my SIL's place to tell me, not my MIL's! Anyway, when she asks questions, she nods her head and repeats the question twice. For example, "Do you want fries with that, do you want fries?" Or "Did you get the mail, get the mail?" It drives me crazy!

worst thing she has done

The worst thing that my MIL ever did to me was to tell my DH he was making a mistake by marrying me. It was about a week before our wedding and she decided I wasn't good enough. Of course this was a long time coming, but why she decided to tell him this then, I don't know. Sigh.

Coming in 2nd

Is it wrong to feel like I came in 2nd for birthday gifts? My Hubby gave me a $50 gc to hair salon as my sole bday gift. A month later, is his Momma's BIG DAY! I knew he installed and paid for a YEAR'S worth of DSL on her computer. I was pissed at the big expense, but said nothing. What's worse? When MIL calls to thank him for her birthday card, and gets me instead. She continues by saying "And tell him the check in the card wasn't necessary since he paid for the DSL already". No sh*t it wasn't necessary, and trust me he heard about it when I got to relay the message to him! There that felt good to unload!

THANKS D-I-L for inviting me to vent. There will be more I am sure.

39 cents!

Mail the birthday card already. You better not disappoint your only grandchild when she's old enough to understand. Fixed income my ass.