Don't Bother Asking

Dear MIL,

I was very flattered you asked about what was going on in my life and initially appeared interested in what I had to say. However, if you were not serious about listening to me and only planned on paying attention for two minutes, don't bother asking me to detail my life's events. In case you are wondering, it is not polite to jump up in the middle of someone's sentence to run over and welcome your "favorite" son (not my husband) into the room and then turn to me and say "Oh, you were done, right?"

Fondly,
Your DIL

Your Lack of Concern Overwhelms Me

MIL Dearest:

Sorry we haven't bothered telling you the outcome of IVF #2, which failed (thanks, readers of MILDEW, for the kind wishes); but I'm guessing that your concern is immeasurable - as in below the charts - since you have asked neither my husband nor myself how things went. It's such a damn pity that we live less than a mile from you and that phones are such an inconvenience. And heaven forbid you ask me the when we went out for dinner and I sat right next to you the other night. Oh, and another thing, thank you so much for shoving the pictures of your new great-granddaughter under my nose. It was just the right thing to do to keep my appetite to a minimum.

Aaargh..

Dear MIL,

Calling me to tell me you are going to be later than the time we arranged for me to pick you up is fine. Calling the HOME phone and leaving a message when I had told you I would be out teaching and would go straight to pick you up is NOT helpful, especially not as my students had bought a cake as it is my son`s first birthday today and I had to rush proceedings because I didn`t want to leave you waiting. You have my mobile phone number for a reason. USE IT...

The irony is killing me

dearest MIL,

i find it ironic that "daddy and i just can't stand to sit on a plane for 2 1/2 hours to come visit. it's just hard on us" , but apparently, daddy and i (meaning FIL and MIL) can sit in a car and drive 11 hours to alabama for a 50th high school reunion. and daddy and i can also sit in a car and drive 12 hours to north carolina to see the rhododendrons (sp?) bloom. but daddy and i CANNOT sit 2 1/2 hours on a plane to see our grandchildren. oh, we couldn't possibly. because sitting on a plane is MUCH MUCH harder than taking a long driving trip.

glad to see you have your priorities. and i think i will be saying that in our next conversation.

(oh, and YES, i did say they're from alabama. it explains a lot, actually. like the whole racist thing. but that's another post.)

How Not To Show Your Support

MIL Dearest:

I never knew that our family-building attempts were such a burden to you so when you responded with "Again???!!!" in disgust after we told you we were going to try IVF #2, it made me wonder that either a) our one child is one too many especially considering the time (or lack thereof) that you spend with him; or b) you have no concept of what the difference is between "two" and "two-hundred". Thank you so much for your loving support in what we consider a very difficult time.

Did You Forget?

Dear M.I.L.,

When I spoke to you three weeks ago regarding my new schedule and mentioned I would no longer be able to attend your Sunday dinners, you graciously suggested we move the dinners to Saturday so the whole family could attend. So you had no reason to act surprised today when my husband showed up alone for your Easter dinner. I was at work, like I told you. And no, I can not just "pop over for a bite." Everything would be put away and everyone else would be gone by the time I could get there on my break. If you so desperately want to see me, don't schedule a family get-together on a day you know I can not make it and then act all injured like I stood you up on purpose.

Fondly, Your D.I.L.

No nipples please

dear MIL,

please DO NOT send my daughter any more size 3 hoochie clothes. when the top of the dress is a triangle cut that exposes 3-yr-old nipple, that is NOT cute. neither is the fake punk rock chain that connects said dress at the hip. if i wanted my daughter to dress like a whore, i would go shopping with you. since i want her to look like the sweet child she is, i will send back the hooker dress.

and just a side note....does it seem doubly inappropriate to give hooker clothes for EASTER? i think it's safe to say that Jesus is not impressed, MIL.

luv and kisses,

grody jo-dee

When are you gonna learn?

so the hubby is talking to the evil MIL on the phone the other day, and she says, "i was just callinng to see if you were still alive. we haven't heard from you." which by the way, he did call last week. you weren't home and didn't return the call.

the hubby then pointed out that calling is a two-way street. when we call you, and you don't return our call, then the ball is in your court. also, if you don't choose to call us, then how is our fault that you haven't talked to us?

p.s. if you send my daughter that awful betty crocker toy vacuum you keep mentioning (hello! i didn't even know that betty crocker made toys), then i will goodwill it. you 've been told repeatedly that we don't like and have no room for large plastic toys. you CAN give us toys we hate, but we CAN give it to charity.

Sweet Tooth

MIL Dearest:

I realize that in your family candy, snacks, treats, bite-size Whatevers are staples, which is evident by your entire family's battles with weight, including the son I married. HOWEVER, I do not need you to suck my son into that life by bringing him candy. I'm getting tired of him turning into Pavlov's dog everytime he sees you; and frankly, he will remember you more for paying attention to him instead of the reason he has to see the dentist every three months.